Sniff Petrol

After months of unsurprisingly quite accurate speculation, BMW has finally taken the covers off the new Mini Clubman – except actually it hasn’t, because this trend setting new model will be the first car ever to come as standard with a set of fiberglass disguising panels, just like the ones used by car test drivers on their exciting engineering prototypes.

‘We keenly monitor what car buyers like,’ said a spokesman who is speaking now. ‘For example, a few years ago we noticed that everyone was fascinated by pictures of Euro NCAP crash tests so we came up with the Z4 which permanently looks like it’s been in some sort of accident. In the case of the Mini Clubman, we realised that people are always interested in spy pics of disguised pre-production cars, so we decided to make a showroom car that was as crude and lumpen as they are’.

After an intensive design programme, BMW high-ups are said to be delighted with the finished look of the unique Clubman rear end which includes authentic development mule features like ugly, mismatched D-pillar cladding and ill-fitting, unattractive tail lamps, just like an early development hack.

The Clubman is also noteworthy for the inclusion of a right-hand side ‘suicide door’, so called because although this is supposed to be a British car, if you live in Britain and you actually tried to get out of it on a busy road, it would be suicide.

As McLaren celebrates the FIA’s decision not to issue a penalty for the team’s part in the F1 spying scandal, a new storm was brewing over the sport as Ferrari today issued fresh allegations of copying, this time against Honda.

‘There is growing evidence that Honda Racing’s current championship campaign is not wholly based on original material,’ said a statement from the Italian team. ‘Specifically, that they have been copying the Ferrari seasons 1991, 1992 and 1993’.

‘Honda’s performance this season is too familiar to be mere coincidence,’ said a Maranello insider. ‘The mediocre performance, the patchy reliability, the dispirited drivers, these are all things that have clearly been obtained from Ferrari’s period of being rubbish in the early ‘90s’.

However, Honda was quick to rebuff any allegations of copying. ‘Honda Racing denies any suggestion that it has knowingly copied data or strategy from Ferrari, either current or when they were shit,’ said a spokesman. ‘Throughout the entire F1 spying scandal we have been entirely open and honest about our involvement. Specifically, that our awful season is entirely modelled on the dismal efforts of Footwork during the 1995 championship. We are confident that this will become clear during the forthcoming Hungarian Grand Prix where we have asked Barrichello to get himself run over by the marshalling car’.

There were high spirits at McLaren this week as the FIA decided not to penalise the championship leading team for their claimed involvement in the recent Formula 1 spying controversy. ‘Scuderia McLaren is delighted with this decision,’ said an official statement from the team. ‘Jean Dennis and everyone at our factory in Wokiorano is confident that all allegations of copying can now be laid to rest and that we can continue our fight in what is one of the most exciting drivers’ and constructors’ titles in many years, including an emotional return to our home circuit on 9 September’.

However, title rivals Ferrari were less impressed with the FIA’s decision. ‘Ferrari is deeply disappointed with the outcome of today’s extraordinary meeting,’ said an official statement. ‘This decision sets a very serious precedent, namely that the FIA is now prepared to let other teams get away with cheating as well as us’.

Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ tha phat flava of Red Bull. Taste like fizzy power steering fluid. So we’s slide over Deutch side fo’ tha’ Euro P GP an’ tha weatha, it be bad. An’ I don’ mean in a good way. Fo’ sho’. Come tha’ light show, we is all outta control, ma man Jenny B, he got bad shit goin’ on and Da Ham, that homeboy lucky not ta get whacked. But Crazy D, he got it all under control, know wha’ sayin’? Cuz, like, I is good in wet conditions, and I ain’ talkin’ about wit’ tha honeys. Yea. Ma homie Webman take it ta tha podiay and tha D bring it home in tha five slot. Tha’s what yo call a comfortable result. Much like the comfortable results that can be achieved by shaving with my Pole Position range of grooming products.

You probably don’t need reminding that Sniff Petrol has a sort of Podcast thing. Actually, you probably DO need reminding, otherwise this would be a completely pointless exercise. Breathing, eating, feeling a visceral rush of caustic bile accelerating up your throat when you hear James Allen’s voice, these are things you actually don’t need to be reminded about. Silly Sniff Petrol participation in the excellent Gareth Jones On Speed Podcast, that’s still worthy of a polite mention.

This week we’re talking about Ford’s attempts to sell off anything that’s not nailed down, featuring some moderately informed ranting and some moderately ill-informed sketches which contain accents American listeners may find unconvincing.

Click on this attractively highlighted text to listen to the Podcast or to download and keep it in a small white box for later.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Saturday 21 July I proceeded to the Nurburgring what is in Germany where I done witnessed an RTA involving a silver Mercedes vehicle driven by a Mr Lewis Hamilton what was seen to collide with a grey barrier type object. This was a bit of bad luck for the lad but what he done is go to hospital and, in fairness, he was okay. What done then did happen is that on Sunday 22 July Mr Hamilton was able to proceed to the starting grid where, in fairness, he done make good progress before being involved in another RTA what done also involve a Mr Button, a Mr Rosberg, a Mr Sutil, a Mr Speed and a Mr Liuzzi. This should be a lesson to any motorists what should make sure they done got the proper tyres for the prevailing conditions. Meanwhile, my investigations is continuing into the behaviour of a Mr Raikkonen what is suspiciously disappointing. At the end of the day, in fairness, it gets dark. Over and out.