Sniff Petrol

Yes, Sniff Petrol has its very own interwebernet discussion forum, thanks to the good people of tyresmoke.net. Actually, it’s had one for ages, I only mention this now because some people have been asking why you can’t comment on individual stories here, like what you done be meant to on a blog. Well the answer is, you can comment away to your heart’s content on the forum. So there. Visit it now by clicking this highlighted text. Yessss!

Following Jenson Button’s shock announcement that he will quit F1 if the performance of his Honda does not improve within the next two years, further details are emerging of other decisive actions the dynamic British driver is prepared to take in order to get results.
F1 spies say that only this week the Brit ace was spotted issuing a similarly firm ultimatum in a London cinema. ‘Button was watching Die Hard 4.0 but he clearly wasn’t impressed,’ said one fellow movie goer. ‘I definitely heard him loudly saying in a politely quiet voice that if the film didn’t get better then he was flipping well going to wait until the end and then leave’.
Just hours earlier another motorsport fan reported seeing the West Country driver in a nearby restaurant expressing disappointment with the table he had been given. ‘Button wasn’t messing around,’ said one fellow diner. ‘He made it moderately clear that if he wasn’t given a better table he would eat his main course and some pudding and maybe a coffee and then bloody well think about leaving’.
However, it now seems that Button isn’t the only one issuing dire warnings for the future. Many British F1 fans, for example, have threatened to completely lose interest in Jenson Button within the next… oh.

Sniff reader Brendan McFarlane spotted the seven time world champion and his big chinny chin chin on this sign outside a Morrisons supermarket in Chippenham, Wilts.

You’d think this would be more likely a job for Juan Pablo Montoya.
Although of course he’d just scoff all the stock.

Och aye that noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ tha mad bad Bull dat’s Red. Smell like tha inside of a doctor’s bag. So tha D back in ma hood fo’ tha GP GB. Yea. An’ ev’ry homie and ho on tha block, they be watching ma man Da Ham cuz they say he gonna stick it in tha one slot fo’ tha race. But that shit don’t go down, and they be sayin’ tha’ Da Ham, he be disappointin’. Fo’ sho’. Crazy D, he don’t know what them be fussin’ about. I be doin’ tha disappointin’ shit fo’ years. Damn straight. However, there’s no need to feel disappointment in your daily shaving regime with my superb range of Pole Position grooming products.

There was anger at BMW this week after several of the press cars used by British journalists on the new M3 launch were found to be pregnant. Munich bosses were said to be furious after three examples of the new sports coupe, described by one UK writer as ‘Uhh uhhh, oh that’s it baby’, are now up the duff and will have to be withdrawn from driving duties and heavy lifting for the next nine months. ‘This is exactly the situation we were trying to avoid,’ said one BMW insider. ‘We made modifications to the cars, aside from the racing pads we secretly fitted because we still won’t admit our M-series brakes are crap, including bromide steering wheels, latex engine covers and sat-nav systems programmed to recite details of the Arsenal offside trap’.
Observers on the overseas launch of the car described by another British hack as ‘Oh God, that’s so good, yes, yes, YES!’ say members of the UK media did appear to be ‘quite sleepy’ after their drive in the test cars and that at least one of them was ‘looking slightly flushed and smoking a cigarette’.
‘The British journalists have taken it too far this time,’ said one senior Bee-Em insider. ‘Why did they have to get our lovely M cars into trouble? Usually they are just happy to furiously wank over them’.

With Christmas only quite a long time away, one enterprising author has come up with the perfect gift book for the petrolhead in your life, and it’s called Cars On Clocks. The brilliant idea behind this remarkable book came from authorist Lambsley Cashin. ‘I noticed that sometimes digital clocks display numbers that are also the names of cars,’ Cashin explains. ‘So I decided to take photos at the precise minute that happened and put them all together. The result is Cars On Clocks which contains over 32 different car names on clocks, such as 4:05, 5:35 and 4:18’. However, given the limitations of the digital clock format, Cashin warns fans of some cars that the name of their favourite model will not appear in the book; ‘Clearly certain car names would never appear on a clock, such as the SAAB 9000 on a clock,’ he says. ‘But thankfully, they will be included in my follow up book, which will be packed full of the model names of cars such as the Mini 1000, the Maserati 3200 and the Plymouth BOOBIES. I’m going to call it Cars On Calculators‘.