Sniff Petrol

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 8 July what I done was proceeded to the Silverstone circuit what is in Northamptonshire. What done happen there is that an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton, he gone put his vehicle on pole. Routine questioning revealed that what he done is gone drive fasterer than what the other drivers did done on Saturday 7 July during the hours of qualifying. In fairness, that was a great performance from the lad. Howevertheless, what done happened on the next day what followed is that Hamilton he gone done had a problem with regards to his vehicle, allowing two IC1 males, what is Mr Kimi Raikkonen and Mr Fernando Alonso, to proceed ahead of him. At the end of the day, what that was meaning is that Mr Hamilton was gone and come in third what, in fairness, is not a bad result. My investigations is continuing, especially into the performance of the Honda vehicles which, in fairness at the end of the day, continues to be criminal. Over and out.

There was good news for F1 fans this week as the BBC released details of a new motorsport sit-com to appear on our screens next month. Entitled Stepney & Son, the hilarious new comedy revolves around cantankerous scrap merchant Albert ‘Nigel’ Stepney and his zany attempts to get rid of enormous piles of F1 car components and CAD/CAM data that are cluttering up his Italian yard. In the first of this amusing new series, Stepney attempts to wash his smalls in the fuel tank of a Ferrari racing car, only to get caught after adding too much powder! There’s the promise of more merriment later in the series when Stepney tries to pass a whole pile of ‘scrap parts’ to a chap from Woking, before realising that he’s absent mindedly wrapped all the ‘unwanted’ components in top secret technical documents – with hilariously career ending consequences!  
Stepney & Son starts on BBC Three, just as soon as anyone can understand what the cocking hell is going on with all this F1 espionage stuff

There was confusion in Formula 1 this week following the appearance of a mysterious new British driver in last Sunday’s French Grand Prix. Calling himself “Jenson Button”, the previously unheard of racer managed to bag a remarkable eighth place at Magny-Cours, even though no one in the paddock could recall ever seeing him before.

‘His slightly rat-like face did look strangely familiar,’ admitted Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘But I’m sure we’ve never seen this British driver before. Not like that lovely Lewis Hamilton, for example.’

Another paddock insider was more sceptical about this mysterious Brit talent. ‘I think this might be an elaborate ruse,’ our source said. ‘I mean, just look at his name: “Jenson Button”. It just sounds so made up. It’s not a proper name like, say, Lewis Hamilton’.

F1 observers say that if “Jenson Button” does indeed turn out to be a real British driver with a made up name, this will make him the exact opposite of Anthony Davidson, who has a real name but doesn’t actually exist in any of the F1 coverage so far this year.  

Och aye that noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ the mad phat flava of Red Bull. Smell like da shit dey use to hose down a crime scene. Yea. So Crazy Dave, he slide on over French side and he tell da press he as good as Da Ham. Those cats, they don’t like that shit, but Crazy D he got it goin’ on. And he prove it fo’ sho’ cuz come race time he deliver maximum smackdown, no diggety. Da Ham, he want number 1, he get number 3. But Crazy D, he get both wit’ a big fat 13th place. Tha’s jus’ the way I slide. However, if you simply want your razor to slide smoothly over your face then try my Pole Position shaving foam.

More unsettling advice from our used car expert.

Grasp the basket, grunting is milky at this sage of the cousin. Up the hammer at Chris Quentin last Wogan, saw a well turned Hut Cop go past the knackers for six orphans under a wazzock. Touched the lovely, smoked a lizard, came up smelling of geese. Well somebody must know who stole the undercloth Jennifer. Meaty.

Stirring the turds last Blue when a firm gurned Gary came by, kicking the wizards on a hot Madeley. Licked the bins, pushed some gristle, punched my sister for a packet of grease. Felt his legs, rubbed the lesley, gripped the biscuits for seven under a pair of piss. I won’t tell you again, he wasn’t designed to do that Sarah. Flimsy.

It’s Finnegan already but try telling that to the Mills! That means burping is lonely on all but the firm gristled Arafats. Mate of mine, trying to pinch the limbs on a thick kneed Starman Steal Gay. Moo, fart and sky. No one’s feeling his gusset for six frogs in a sock! No believes you got that scar from Bob Holness Miriam. Minty.

As the search continues for the perpetrators of recent attempted attacks on London and Glasgow, police sources say the use of two second hand Mercedes W124s and a second hand Jeep Cherokee in the failed bombings provides a major clue as to who is behind them. As a result detectives are now on the hunt for Quentin Willson.