Sniff Petrol

More unique advice from our used car guru.

Fundle my bundies, it’s kettle at last and that means a dead London on dribbly soft logs. I’ve seen it with my own Wallers just this lemon.

Well tooled Gary came spurting up the fundy looking for a tidy Driver Reg. Waving the gravy, told him he’d need to whistle on a pistol. Got on the Nellie to an old Ethel at spurting, grasped a fat nadger on the fart he was clisping. Run up it the basket at an onion over six briskets. The Gary nearly grips his biscuits. Slapped down the Aspel at five Rollins, lovely touch, smells firm, meet his mum at 17 weasels. I’m simply dying to see your new conservatory extension. Sturdy.

Two Grahams later, spikey nice pipe comes by looking for a hearty Tarby. Dig out the gristle, touch someone’s sister, find a crisp glisby at a grunting down the arse bulbs. Nail it to a sock, folded all the curtains, punched in the turtle for an Alsation over six Lyndhurst. Chucked in a pair of flip flops I’ve had piped to my lovehut since Grimsdale. This is completely unacceptable behaviour for someone who lives near Chichester. Minty.

There was anger this week in one of those bland new-build houses with a criss-crossy brick driveway that all people who post photos of their cars on the internet seem to live in as a tedious car geek annoyingly overused the word ‘detail’.

Spip Misby, a 27-year-old IT consultant who lives with his mum and dad, has long been obsessed with ‘detailing’ his Audi A3 but sources close to the Misby household say his irritating habit of using a strangely meaningless word to describe what is essentially the act of washing and then polishing something has now reached unacceptable heights.

‘Frankly it was bad enough when he just crapped on about “detailing” his bloody car again,’ said his father, Jennifer. ‘But when he announced that he was going to reward his mother’s dinner-making efforts by “detailing” the dirty dishes that was the final straw’.

Spip’s sister, David, was quick to add to her father’s ire. ‘My brother seems to mistakenly believe that the word “detailing” is a synonym for “really cleaning something” . Except I’ve checked in the dictionary and as far as I can work out, “detailing” actually refers to small decorative features on a building, work of art or other object and in no way means spending all pissing weekend rubbing a sponge and some cloths over your stupid twatting car’.

Spies in the Misby camp say that following the “detailing” of  dirty pans and crockery, Spip retired to the bathroom to spend a typically suspicious amount of time in the shower, probably ‘detailing’ his cock.

With your help Sniff Petrol continues to monitor the zany post-F1 antics of seven time world champion Michael Schumacher. This week Mr Gareth Jones, TV legend, friend of this website and titular head of the excellent Gareth Jones On Speed Podcast (featuring added Sniff Petrol silliness), notes that the spade-faced race ace has now traveled back to circa the 11th century in order to be carved into a stone statue by the people of Easter Island. And who said retirement was boring? Anyway, Christ knows what he’ll get up to next but if you spot anything, do let us know.

We’re all used to stories of sat-nav units telling drivers to drive into rivers or across fields, but one motorist received a particular shock this week when his portable navigation system unexpectedly instructed him to kick a tramp to death.

Roger Gnrrrrt of Fumbling, in Darkness, was relying on his sat-nav system to take him to an important business meeting in Reading when the unfortunate instruction occurred, with disastrous consequences. ‘I was approaching a roundabout and expected my nav to tell me to turn left, head straight on or what-have-you’ Mr Gnrrrrt explained. ‘So when it instructed me to belt the shit out of a homeless man I was a little taken aback. Unfortunately, I’m far too feckless to think for myself and reluctantly had to cruise around the local area until I found a suitable vagrant upon which I could exact inexplicable physical brutality’.

A spokeswomaniser from Bongo, the makers of Mr Gnrrrrt’s unfortunate navigator, was quick to react: ‘Obviously we’re very sorry that one of our customers was put in this situation,’ he said. ‘It seems that in certain, very unusual circumstances, a tiny programming glitch can cause the Bongo 2000 to replace the standard “take the first exit” voice instruction with the less common “please kick a tramp to death as soon as possible” command’.

Bongo is now said to be working to prevent this embarrassing error happening unnecessarily in future. In the meantime, the company was keen to reassure its current users that there is no need for alarm or to buy some heavy boots just in case. ‘Unfortunately, given the complexity of modern navigation units, tiny glitches can occur, but we work very hard to fix them as soon as possible’ said their representative. ‘For example, we have already managed to remove a small programme bug in our set route to Glasgow Airport so that it no longer has that thing about setting your car on fire’.

Just a quick reminder that the latest instalment of the Gareth Jones On Speed Podcast, featuring the questionable involvement of Sniff Petrol, is sitting politely in reception thumbing through an old copy of What Car? and awaiting your downloading pleasure.

In this edition we discuss the F1 spying scandal and cast Jenson Button as James Bond (with back up from David Connerythard) in what is possibly one of the finest, and indisputably one of the longest, sketches we’ve ever done. Plus, some really good singing from Gareth’s mate Steve.

CLICK HERE to go there now.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. I recently done received notification of a possible felony what been committed in the F1 area, what done involve the theft of some documents from the premises of Ferrari SpA. What done happen is that they says they have been robbed by the lads at McLaren who, in fairness, done says that isn’t the situation. Following some investigations what done be proceeded by my colleagues in FIA it done turn out that a Mr Dennis of McLaren, he got what is, in fairness, the result what he is looking for, what turns out to be the verdict of not guilty. However, my colleague Comandante Macaluso of the ACI-CSAI, he done not be pleased with that and he done be working with a Mr Todt who done gone proceed to the International Court. Investigations is therefore, in fairness, proceeding. I is also investigating the appearance of a Mr Kubica who does look, in fairness, suspiciously like an owl. At the end of the day, to be fair, I go to bed. Over and out.

The other week we ran this picture of Michael Schumacher, hard at work in a supermarket pie shop. Now Sniff Petrol reader Kevin McCauley, whose name is rather unusually a clickable link to his website, has discovered another photo of the ex-Ferrari driver busying himself in retirement, on this occasion by going back in time so he can appear in a haunting propaganda poster from 1914. Whatever next?

If you find further evidence of what the big chinned world champion is up to now he’s not in Formula 1, please do get in touch.