There was bad news for smoky voiced mispronunciation target Sade this week as drivers discovered serious faults in her new range of branded sat-nav units.
Sade Nav was launched in the US just last month, promising people who liked Sade (in the ‘80s) the chance to navigate around with instructions delivered in the familiarly breathy and quite pleasant at a dinner party (in the ‘80s) voice of Sade herself. However, early users have reported several problems with the new units, problems which seem to stem from the piss poor geography of the woman behind them.
“For a long time I’d been looking for a navigation system that could issue instructions in a kind of smouldering, semi-jazz way,” said Maspy Squawburger, an early adopter of the system. “So when I heard about the new Sade Nav I was first in line. Immediately I got it I decided to celebrate like an idiot by driving from my home in California to see my parents in Detroit. Unfortunately, the Sade Nav doesn’t recognise Detroit. According to Sade, the United States goes ‘coast to coast, LA to Chicago’. In other words, in her mind there is no Eastern seaboard and my folks live under water. I think the dumb bitch must have mistaken Lake Michigan for the Atlantic Ocean”.
It wasn’t all bad news for fans of Sade Nav, however. Those who have used one of the new units describe the control operation as ‘smooth’.
‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 16 September I done proceed in a southerly direction to the Spa-Francorchamps region what done be in Belgium to witness what are the Belgian Grand Prix. During this time I were in the area of the track when I done observe a vehicle what was moving unusually slowly and then did done stop in what were not, literally, a designated stopping place. Investigations revealed that the vehicle was driven by a Mr Button of Frome what, to be honest, is in Somerset. Mr Button was unavailable for questioning regarding this unusual behaviour but my investigations done discover that one possible cause is that he done be driving a car what is, to be fair, a pile of shit. I done therefore close this investigations. I am now dealing with a report from a Mr Dennis of Woking what says he has lost a number of world constructors’ championship points and done believe he been robbed. At the end of the day, to be fair, I watch the news. Over and out.
Listen up, fans of audio things that are sort of related to this website. Episode 37 of the excellent Gareth Jones On Speed podcast - featuring Sniff Petrol contribution action - is bouncing around interspace right now. In this edition we’re talking about sat-nav and there’s a rather splendid U2 pastiche that’s worth your downloading pleasure alone.
Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ tha phat vibes of Red Bull. Taste like tha ceiling in an abandoned dental practise. So las’ weekend we slide over Italian-style fo’ tha Monza G-ta-tha-P. All tha brothaz, they be chattin’ about Nando an’ Da Ham, but mad props fo’ ma man Jenny B cuz he stick in tha ten slot on tha grid. Yea. Crazy D, he jus’ lay back and watch from tha’ back. Fo’ sho’. Come tha’ light show it all happenin’, but Crazy D, he got bad shit goin’ on. I is in tha wall man. An’ lemme tell ya ladies, Tha D ain’t used ta goin’ off early, know wha’am sayin’. Yea. Fortunately, I was subsequently able to retire to my motor home to continue reading my excellent new autobiography, It Is What It Is, which is in all good bookshops now. 
