Sniff Petrol

There were celebrations across Australia yesterday following the announcement of a week-long national holiday to commemorate the introduction of the new Ford Falcon.

‘The new FG Falcon really is an event of national importance,’ said a government spokesman, speaking from wherever their capital is, although it’s almost definitely not Sydney, despite what a lot of people think. ‘In fact, this is one of the most earth shattering and significant events ever to happen in this country and we felt it was important to celebrate that fact’.

Sources in the Australian capital (definitely not Melbourne either) say the authorities had initially planned to give the country just a couple of days in which to welcome the vital new large saloon with street parties, circuses and even more barbecuing than normal. However, once the magnitude of the changes Ford has made to its Aussie flagship became clear it was decided that nothing less than an entire week would suffice so that the grateful people of God’s Own Country could give thanks for the life changing bounty that the Blue Oval has bestowed on them.

‘Once we’d stared at the photos for a few hours we noticed that actually they’d changed the styling a little bit,’ said our government source in wherever it is, possibly that place that’s near Ayres Rock although thinking about it that’s probably a bit small to be a capital city. ‘That’s when we ramped it up to a three day holiday, and we were pretty sure that was enough. But then we heard about the slightly different front suspension and the interior that definitely looks a little bit nicer and we thought, bloody hell, let’s just go for a whole week off!’

The so-called ‘Falcon Week’ kicks off on Monday with a massive mardi gras in Melbourne (not the capital) and a huge outdoor concert in Brisbane (pretty sure this isn’t the capital either) which will feature such bands as Silverchair and some more Silverchair. Then, as night falls, the skies of Sydney (note to subs: can someone double check this really isn’t the capital please?) will light up with the biggest firework display the world has ever seen, a five hour spectacular that will, according to one insider, ‘make the one we did for the Olympics look shit’.

Australians will then enjoy the rest of the week off work, taking part in fun Falcon-themed events across the nation such as Slightly More Modern Rear Suspension parties and Spot The Difference Between This And The Old Model contests.

Meanwhile, news of Falcon Week has been met with absolutely no interest whatsoever in the rest of the world. Much like the new Ford Falcon.

It was announced today that Transport for London is to challenge Porsche over its attempts to lower the Cayenne SUV by 24mm. The authority responsible for transport policy in the capital said it was ‘disproportionate’ for the German car maker to attempt such a radical ride height reduction for its new Cayenne GTS model and that it intended to seek a judicial review on the matter.

‘A massive suspension drop is quite simply ludicrous,’ said TfL spokesman Papeline Norks. ‘There is no need to have people driving around this city in a huge 4×4… that doesn’t have sufficient suspension travel to cope with the utterly terrible quality of our roads’.

TfL says if it does not receive a satisfactory response from Porsche it will go to the courts to seek an order forcing Porsche to raise its latest off road model. ‘This sudden, unfair lowering will affect families in particular,’ said Mr Norks. ‘Specifically, those buying a large 4×4 because they expect it to have a soft, comfortable ride’.

However, not everyone agrees with the opposition to Porsche’s lowering plans. ‘I think the Cayenne decrease is entirely correct,’ said Action Jackson of Dab-Of-Oppo magazine. ‘Camber change is the biggest threat currently facing the human race and something needs to be done to stop large SUVs wallowing and lurching’.

Sniff Petrol was going to ring London Mayor Ken Livingstone but he was probably too busy being a cat-voiced, money snatching cockbag.

Ruddy Nora, the Podcasts are back. Actually, they never went away, I just forgot to mention them recently.

In this edition (now with new logo! Yeees!) Sniff Petrol basically yaps on about being on holiday and seeing some interesting cars in other countries. It may very well be as tedious as it sounds. But don’t worry, normal service – i.e. not some tit banging on about his fancy bloody vacation – will be resumed soon.

In the meantime, THIS CAPITALISATION is where you will find Podcast noises.