Sniff Petrol

So that’s it, the blog is dead and the new back-to-the-future Sniff Petrol monthly update is here. Well, not here now. It’s out on Friday. That’s right, Friday this week. Which isn’t that far away so please, please, pleeeeease stop e-mailing to ask when we’re doing something about Spanky Max. It’ll be in the new issue, which is out on Friday. That’s Friday. Unless of course it suddenly seems like a bad idea to take the piss out of a trained lawyer with a notorious thin skin. Ah, hang on…

THE ALL NEW SNIFF PETROL WILL BE OUT ON FRIDAY

In the meantime, why not join the official Sniff Petrol Facebook group.

Yes my friends, the 52nd episode of Gareth Jones on Speed - featuring some foolish babbling from Sniff Petrol - is now gently flirting with your iTunes or equivalent geeky real ale software that’s almost impossible to use but which you have to pretend is as good because you’re weird, smug and nerdy.

In this edition we talk about Tata buying Jaguar & Land Rover, discuss F1 coverage returning to the BBC and end with a sort of rave tune.

What more do you want? Hookers dressed as Nazis?

Make busy with your mouse UPON THIS HIGHLIGHTED BIT HERE to go to there from here.

Oh dear God, he’s joined some sort of weird colour-matched pop combo.

(Don’t worry, he hasn’t really formed a hideous Germanic version of Steps to mount a Ross Brawn engineered assault on Eurovision. This photo is actually from three years ago and shows him finishing a beach volleyball match in Australia. Hang on a minute, that’s just as SODDING WEIRD. And why are they wearing microphones? No one wants to hear Barrichello grunting like a sex pest.)

Thanks to Joey Daytona for the picture

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave back in tha full effect wit’ tha phat flava of Red Bull. Taste like tha seats in a home fo’ tha elderly. Yea. So, we is back like a cat wit’ tha F1 ’08, and Crazy D, he mixin’ it up mad style, know wha’am sayin’? So las’ week in Malaysiay Crazy D, he smack down in tha nine slot. Yea. Gotta keep dodgin’ tha’ points. Yo catch me blood? Smooth and low. Bu’ back in Australiay, tings not so fly, when tha man Phil Massay, he step to Crazy D and tha’ shit got ugly. It was bad man. And I don’ mean good. I mean, like, bad. Yea. Crazy D, he outta tha’ race. Hot damn. And that cat, he ain’t gonna say no sorry. Tha’s disrespectful man. Shee-it! I may therefore be forced to action my earlier promise with regard to kicking three colours of shit out of him.

Yes, it’s the best news since some bloke took his new slicing machine round to Mr Hovis’s house: As of next year Formula 1 will be back on the BBC.

Now, aside from celebrating an end to irksome ad breaks and the repetitive sponsorship bumpers therein, lots of people have e-mailed since last week’s announcement to point out that perhaps we have, at last, Stopped The Cock.

Obviously Sniff Petrol would like to take all the credit for this, even though it’s patently not true and might make us look self-aggrandising to the point of mentalness. Besides which, we’re not out of the wet voiced woods yet and there’s always a small chance some buffoon at Television Centre will accidentally phone the weak milky stats bore and invite him to jump channels. But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

If you’re listening, slightly victorious and smug BBC Sport people, here are some pointers for your F1 coverage:

1. Do NOT hire James Allen.

2. Bring back The Chain as the theme tune. This is what the people want from F1. Not flashy graphics, not seamless punditry, just turning on the telly of a Sunday afternoon to hear ‘bumm bu-bu-bumm bu-bu-bububu-bummm…’ and then that ace bit where it gets all exciting and the guitar goes ‘nangnangnangnangnangnangah!’ NB: This MUST coincide with a shot of an F1 car bottoming out and sparks coming off the bottom. It’s THE LAW.

3. Do NOT hire James Allen.

That is all.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be investigating from the Australian Grand Prix what, to be honest, is in Australia. I was, in fairness, particularly interested in a series of incidents what done involve vehicles what has left the road. The first incident done involve a red Ferrari what done be driven by a Mr Phillipe Massa what did spin. I later done observed another red Ferrari driven by a Mr Kimi Raikkonen what done also spin also. Finally, to be honest, I done notice a red and white Toyota of Mr Timo Glock what done lose control, do done a little jump and then, to be fair, done spin a bit. This should done be a lesson to all motorists on the road that they should done leave their vehicle’s traction control on for safety reasons at all times. Unless it done been banned. What, in fairness, in F1 it done have. Over and out.

Yes indeed, Gareth Jones on Speed has reached its 50th glorious podcast featuring, as most of them do, the irksome presence of Sniff Petrol.

 In this edition we have a swift canter around the Geneva Show, which manages to be rather more insightful than the piss poor parade of haircuts on this website.

Click your pointer firmly upon THESE LETTERS to make things come into your ears now.

STOP INTERNET PRESS: Come back to Gareth Jones on Speed in the wee small hours of Sunday morning to hear Gareth and Zog’s near-instant reaction to the Australian Grand Prix. Sniff Petrol won’t be there because he’s got some free tickets to the ballet on Saturday night and will be too drunk to get up again for the F1 at 4am or whatever it is to record any thoughts on the race. Frankly, most listeners would consider this a plus point.

The Geneva Mullet Show is the hottest event on the hairstyle calendar and one that has survived repeated attempts to fill the famous Palexpo show hall with distracting nonsense such as cars, video screens and girls with big knockers on them. Thankfully Sniff Petrol’s photographers carefully avoided such diversions and instead assembled this exclusive pictorial report on the exciting new developments in EuroHair action.

Pictures by Sniff Petrol and Jim Wood