Sniff Petrol

Formula 1 racing boss Max Mosley is in hot water this week as Sniff Petrol has exclusively obtained video footage showing the motorsport supremo engaged in SICK activities including pretending to be IN CHARGE of the FIA.

During the 15 YEAR session captured on tape by our spies, Mosley insists on being referred to as THE PRESIDENT and makes those around him follow STRICT RULES, which he then repeatedly changes.

Amongst the DEPRAVED acts caught on camera, our footage shows the F1 figurehead wantonly PUNISHING McLaren for MONEY. He later SPANKS Renault and, in scenes of unbelievable hypocricy, then KISSES THE ARSE of Ferrari.

The disgraceful footage also shows Mosley, 67, TORTURING Formula 1 fans by introducing HARD to understand development freeze rules and TWEAKS to qualifying.

In some scenes the grey haired racing ring master is even shown HANGING OUT with a DWARF, although this later turned out to be Bernard Ecclestone.

Following Audi’s link with Bose, BMW’s relationship with Harmon/Kardon and Jaguar’s new alliance with Bowers & Wilkins, Subaru this week announced its own upscale brand name hi-fi option in association with Comet’s own-brand stereo maker, Proline.

‘We are delighted to announce our new link with Proline,’ said a Subaru spokerman. ‘We looked long and hard for an audio equipment manufacturer that was a good fit with the brand values you see in the dashboards of our cars, namely horrible silver plastic and wanky LED displays. Proline were able to offer this, and so much less, all for £19.99. Which funnily enough is exactly what we spent developing the dash in the new Impreza!’

Japanese sources say the new Subaru Proline hi-fi set-up will boast all the sophisticated features buyers expect from upspec in-car audio, including a class leading twin tape cassette deck with industry standard high speed dubbing and that thing that leaves longer gaps between songs so the tape search thing can find each track. Audiophiles can also expect to see upmarket features such as a graphic equaliser with up to five little slider things, all of which do almost nothing except feel like they’re going to snap off.

‘This is really premium stuff,’ said Subaru’s speaksman. ‘Like, I mean, when you eject a cassette the tape deck door opens really slowly and smoothly rather than boinging open. Oh God, like, my sister, she’s just put a Nik Kershaw sticker on it, that is, like so unfair. God’.

However, industry spies say that Subaru cannot afford to rest on its ICE laurels as Ssangyong is only days away from announcing a new in-car multi-media system alliance with Acorn computers, makers of the BBC Model B. ‘You can play Elite on it,’ said a spoeaksmn.

With two races already out of the way in the 2008 F1 season, Lewis Hamilton’s hopes of securing his first driver’s championship already seem to be slipping away after his disappointing performances in Australia and Malaysia proved that the young star from Hertfordshire has renewed focus and could already have the ’08 title sewn up.

Hamilton’s winning form of last season seemed appears to have deserted him, especially in Malaysia where he surely watched his chances of securing that elusive championship victory slip away, whilst in Australia his decisive win aptly demonstrated that the Hertfordshire driver’s abilities are stronger than ever and that it’s undoubtedly only a matter of when, and not if, he wins the ultimate F1 prize.

Formula 1 experts are struggling to understand just how the McLaren driver seems to have lost his once-impressive ability and many are still reeling at how his driving seems to have become more confident and unbeatable this season, without question meaning that his championship dreams are over when he wins it in a matter of months, maybe even days.

One thing is for sure. Lewis Hamilton really needs to up his game and relax knowing he’s the best driver in Malaysia because he will be against strong competition in a class of his own with that 2008 world title now out of reach in his pocket and impossible to achieve in the bag. Meanwhile, for rival drivers there seems to be only one message: It’s yours for the taking as you give up and go home!

© Lazy F1 punditry

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ on strong wit’ tha phat flava of Red Bull. Taste like tha shit yo walk through in a public swimming pool. Yea. So tha cats in tha paddock, they be sayin’ that ma man Nando, he be down on tha’ Renault. Word on tha street say he be goin’ to tha’ Ferrariay. Shee-it! Crazy D, he don’ know what Nando be thinkin’, maaan. No way he shoulda be movin’ from a team of he own free will. He wanna do what Crazy D do. Jus’ stay, like, way too long at a team tha’s got championship winnin’ potential until they get rid o’ him, then get fly wit’ tha midfield. Fo’ sho’. Of course, if I was Flavio Briatore I would express my displeasure by kicking three colours of shit out of him.

Now whilst some websites will attempt to make money by plugging other people’s shoddy products, rest assured that Sniff Petrol will not entertain such tawdry behaviour. No, this website will only plug our own shoddy products, most of which make no money whatsoever. Except for the books.

Ah yes, and speaking of which, there’s a new book coming out by The Bloke Who Does This Website. It’s a follow up to last year’s My Dad Had One Of Those (which we somehow completely forgot to mention on this site) and is called, rather brilliantly, My Dad Wished He Had One Of Those. It’s basically a run down of the really cool cars your old dad dreamt about in the ‘60s, ‘70s and ‘80s, featuring lots of ace period photos and some silly text about each one. The book that will come to be known as MDWHHOOT by almost no one will be published on 29 May but if you’re feeling both excitable and keen to do me out of a few pence of royalties, you can pre-order a copy and save a few quid by visiting amazon.co.uk now.

Secondly, although Sniff Petrol has gone back to monthly issues, please remember that the excellent Gareth Jones On Speed podcast (featuring lots of irritating butting in from an often quite squiffy Sniff Petrol) still comes up with fresh material every 10 days or so. Now that’s a proper work ethic for you. Click upon these words to fill your ears with car-based pleasure.

Thirdly, Sniff Petrol now has an official Facebook group. I don’t know why this is good, it just seemed like a clever idea last weekend. If you become a member you’ll get a message telling you there’s a new issue up and if I can get round to it I might post up some exclusive pictures and stuff that have never made it onto the site proper. Or I might forget. Who knows. Take your chances on that one by joining up at the click of this orange text.

Oh yea, and finally… Sniff Petrol doesn’t normally get involved in politics but we ought to mention that if you live in London please don’t forget to vote in the Mayoral elections on 1 May. We don’t care who you vote for, just for God’s sake get that car-hating cat-voiced twat out of office.

More strange and quite possibly dangerous advice from our resident used car expert

Fundle my bundies, it’s not misket on the brisket and that means the Garys will be kneading a gnu before you can say fat clasp. Time to get down the hammer and lube the cubes before the upcoming Jennifer.

First turtle to fumble my London was a tight headed Lisa, 07 on Devon, lovely grasping, lightly smelted, hard candy, tight knackers, squeeze it on the knees and see what smells. Couldn’t touch my Mum when it fell off the ledge for a gristle under six lumsdens. Honestly Miriam, I wouldn’t have worn this blouse if I’d known Derek Nimmo was going to be here. Loosely.

Hearty meal for a sturdy Thursday, on the biscuits at a fart in the bath. Hot fired Ottway and spurting, easily pleased for a lizzie nipple. Blinking went tasty, got my thumb in the juice, slapped your sister for nine otters and a mavis. Lovely gravy. I dread to think when your mother last defrosted this freezer. Crispy.

Keeping my jacksons on a warm betty Screamer, tooled up and schooled up. Damp slacks, hot Lesley, some sort of residue. Good chips. Felt the moss, lost my socks, some cheese got knockers, came up smelling of rice. And the funny thing was, five other members of the choir were attacked by the very same monkey. Minty.