Sniff Petrol

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha sippin’ on any canned drink he muthafuckin’ wanna. But man, I still can’t get rid o’ the taste o’ Red Bull. Feel like I been chewin’ on a dentist’s chair. Hot damn. So Crazy D, he be outta tha F1 racin’ but I jus’ stopped by to advise y’all tha’ ma Crazy D T-shirts be still on sale. Yea. An’ if you wanna slide on Sniff Petrol stylee this summer, they now be down to jus’ £12 each. Tha’s some bad ass need to clear remainin’ stocks. Shee-it. Peace out brothers. Although before I go I did want to clarify once again that Sniff Petrol’s David Coulthard T-shirts are now reduced in price to a very reasonable £12.
OCH AYE THA CLICK HERE to buy a T-shirt

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ tha great smell o’ Red Bull. Splash it on all over. An’ then get attacked by wasps. No way. So we slide on over Belgique side an’ Crazy D, he take it smooth an’ low. Yea. He stick it nice in qualifyay, tuck up on tha fo’teen slot cuz tha’s the way he roll. Medium pace. Then on tha Sundayay Crazy D he chilled like Crystal fo’ tha race. Yea. But when tha work be done, everyone they ain’t be chattin’ ‘bout how Crazy D keep it jus’ outside tha top ten again, they jus’ be sayin’ how ma man Da Ham be dissed by tha F-to-tha-I-to-tha-A ‘cuz they give he a penaltyay fo’ cuttin’ wit’ Tha Kimster. That be bad shit man. No one know why this crap be goin’ down. Perhaps it is because the governing body of F1 is a complete shower of useless wankers.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy D openin’ one o’ his last cans o’ the mad taste o’ Red Bull. Kinda like drinkin’ that stuff they use to give labs rats a heart attack. Yea. So this be it brothers, Crazy D, he announce that he hangin’ up he helmet. Don’ worry ladies, I only mean ma helmet of tha safety kind. Know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ sho. So people, they be sayin’ why you quit D Man? And tha D, he take it coooool. ‘Cuz he be considerin’ his otha opportunitaaaaays, yea yea. An’ ain’t no one gonna say is just pre-mothafuckin’-emptive strike ‘cuz Marky Mark and Seb Vetay got tha Red Bull shee-it sewn up fo’ ’09. No way. However, if you would like a copy of my CV and a full list of references than please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ on strong wit’ tha fierce flava o’ Red Bull. Smell like tha reception area at a horse insemination centre. Yea. So we sly on over Monte C side and man, it be wet like da ladeez when Crazy D in da house. Know wha’a mean? Some of dem bloods, they be sayin’ that all Crazy D doin’ in ’08 is gettin’ into a smackdown wit’ some other cats on da track. Yea, well tha D Man he be provin’ them wrong. Cuz this time he don’t get no contact wit’ any other car. No, he hit tha barrier. That show them haters they don’ know shee-it. And if anyone says that I’m clearly going to be sacked by the team at the end of the season I shall kick three colours of shit out of them.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ on strong wit’ tha fierce flava of Red Bull. Full o’ energy like fizzy crack. So we is layin’ it smooth on Espana and Crazy D, he slap it on the 17 spot in qualifay. Nice an’ slow, yea. Bu’ then come tha lightshow and tha D, he be workin’ his moves when ma man Ady Sutil, he gimme the smackdown. No shit. Crazy D, he ain’t beat though, yea he be back like a cat until ma homeboy Da Glock, he slice me down the side. Hot damn. Wha’ppnin’ bloods? Crazy D, this be goin’ on to he like fo’ times this year. Tha’s why Crazy D ain’t Crazy D no more. From now on, he be call CAPTAIN MAGNETIC. Yea. And if anyone would care to disagree with this I will of course be happy to kick three colours of shit out of them.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ on strong wit’ tha phat flava of Red Bull. Taste like tha shit yo walk through in a public swimming pool. Yea. So tha cats in tha paddock, they be sayin’ that ma man Nando, he be down on tha’ Renault. Word on tha street say he be goin’ to tha’ Ferrariay. Shee-it! Crazy D, he don’ know what Nando be thinkin’, maaan. No way he shoulda be movin’ from a team of he own free will. He wanna do what Crazy D do. Jus’ stay, like, way too long at a team tha’s got championship winnin’ potential until they get rid o’ him, then get fly wit’ tha midfield. Fo’ sho’. Of course, if I was Flavio Briatore I would express my displeasure by kicking three colours of shit out of him.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave back in tha full effect wit’ tha phat flava of Red Bull. Taste like tha seats in a home fo’ tha elderly. Yea. So, we is back like a cat wit’ tha F1 ’08, and Crazy D, he mixin’ it up mad style, know wha’am sayin’? So las’ week in Malaysiay Crazy D, he smack down in tha nine slot. Yea. Gotta keep dodgin’ tha’ points. Yo catch me blood? Smooth and low. Bu’ back in Australiay, tings not so fly, when tha man Phil Massay, he step to Crazy D and tha’ shit got ugly. It was bad man. And I don’ mean good. I mean, like, bad. Yea. Crazy D, he outta tha’ race. Hot damn. And that cat, he ain’t gonna say no sorry. Tha’s disrespectful man. Shee-it! I may therefore be forced to action my earlier promise with regard to kicking three colours of shit out of him.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ tha phat vibes of Red Bull. Taste like tha ceiling in an abandoned dental practise. So las’ weekend we slide over Italian-style fo’ tha Monza G-ta-tha-P. All tha brothaz, they be chattin’ about Nando an’ Da Ham, but mad props fo’ ma man Jenny B cuz he stick in tha ten slot on tha grid. Yea. Crazy D, he jus’ lay back and watch from tha’ back. Fo’ sho’. Come tha’ light show it all happenin’, but Crazy D, he got bad shit goin’ on. I is in tha wall man. An’ lemme tell ya ladies, Tha D ain’t used ta goin’ off early, know wha’am sayin’. Yea. Fortunately, I was subsequently able to retire to my motor home to continue reading my excellent new autobiography, It Is What It Is, which is in all good bookshops now. 

Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave in full effect wit’ tha wack smell o’ Red Bull. And Diet Red Bull, if yo’ got tha weight issues like Crazy D back in tha day. So, las’ weekend we slide on Turkey style an’ all tha bruthas, they be chattin’ about Ronnie D’s homies at tha M-ta-tha-C cuz they been dissin’ each otha an’ shit. But Crazy D, he don’ care ‘bout that cuz he gotta more serious problem wit’ ma man Nando. See, that cat, he show up ‘Standbul side wit’ tha muthafuckin’ beard. What that shit ‘bout? I warn that brutha befo’, yo’ can’t have no beard unless yo’ roll like Crazy D. Yea, mid-fuckin’-field. Of course, by the time of the actual race Fernando had taken the time to have a shave, possibly using my excellent range of Pole Position male grooming products.

Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ tha wickidiwack flava of Red Bull. Taste like tha shit them use to clean tha beer pipe in a pub. So we is on tha summer break fo’ tha F1 and Crazy D, he get them talkin’ wit’ ma bulimiay problem, back in tha day. But I gotta tells yo, there be one part o’ Crazy D tha’s never been painfully thin. Yea, tha ladies know wha’ I be chattin’ about. Fo’ sho’. But it ain’t all about tha D cuz ma homies Nando and Da Ham been dissing each otha. Word on tha street is that Nando, he don’t wanna go join Da Ham an’ Ronnie D on holidayay. Tha’s bad shit man. Of course, if Alonso was simply looking for reasonably priced accommodation he could have checked into my hotel on Sherwood Business Park in Nottingham.