Sniff Petrol

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be investigating from the Australian Grand Prix what, to be honest, is in Australia. I was, in fairness, particularly interested in a series of incidents what done involve vehicles what has left the road. The first incident done involve a red Ferrari what done be driven by a Mr Phillipe Massa what did spin. I later done observed another red Ferrari driven by a Mr Kimi Raikkonen what done also spin also. Finally, to be honest, I done notice a red and white Toyota of Mr Timo Glock what done lose control, do done a little jump and then, to be fair, done spin a bit. This should done be a lesson to all motorists on the road that they should done leave their vehicle’s traction control on for safety reasons at all times. Unless it done been banned. What, in fairness, in F1 it done have. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 16 September I done proceed in a southerly direction to the Spa-Francorchamps region what done be in Belgium to witness what are the Belgian Grand Prix. During this time I were in the area of the track when I done observe a vehicle what was moving unusually slowly and then did done stop in what were not, literally, a designated stopping place. Investigations revealed that the vehicle was driven by a Mr Button of Frome what, to be honest, is in Somerset. Mr Button was unavailable for questioning regarding this unusual behaviour but my investigations done discover that one possible cause is that he done be driving a car what is, to be fair, a pile of shit. I done therefore close this investigations. I am now dealing with a report from a Mr Dennis of Woking what says he has lost a number of world constructors’ championship points and done believe he been robbed. At the end of the day, to be fair, I watch the news. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. I recently done received notification of a possible felony what been committed in the F1 area, what done involve the theft of some documents from the premises of Ferrari SpA. What done happen is that they says they have been robbed by the lads at McLaren who, in fairness, done says that isn’t the situation. Following some investigations what done be proceeded by my colleagues in FIA it done turn out that a Mr Dennis of McLaren, he got what is, in fairness, the result what he is looking for, what turns out to be the verdict of not guilty. However, my colleague Comandante Macaluso of the ACI-CSAI, he done not be pleased with that and he done be working with a Mr Todt who done gone proceed to the International Court. Investigations is therefore, in fairness, proceeding. I is also investigating the appearance of a Mr Kubica who does look, in fairness, suspiciously like an owl. At the end of the day, to be fair, I go to bed. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Saturday 21 July I proceeded to the Nurburgring what is in Germany where I done witnessed an RTA involving a silver Mercedes vehicle driven by a Mr Lewis Hamilton what was seen to collide with a grey barrier type object. This was a bit of bad luck for the lad but what he done is go to hospital and, in fairness, he was okay. What done then did happen is that on Sunday 22 July Mr Hamilton was able to proceed to the starting grid where, in fairness, he done make good progress before being involved in another RTA what done also involve a Mr Button, a Mr Rosberg, a Mr Sutil, a Mr Speed and a Mr Liuzzi. This should be a lesson to any motorists what should make sure they done got the proper tyres for the prevailing conditions. Meanwhile, my investigations is continuing into the behaviour of a Mr Raikkonen what is suspiciously disappointing. At the end of the day, in fairness, it gets dark. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 8 July what I done was proceeded to the Silverstone circuit what is in Northamptonshire. What done happen there is that an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton, he gone put his vehicle on pole. Routine questioning revealed that what he done is gone drive fasterer than what the other drivers did done on Saturday 7 July during the hours of qualifying. In fairness, that was a great performance from the lad. Howevertheless, what done happened on the next day what followed is that Hamilton he gone done had a problem with regards to his vehicle, allowing two IC1 males, what is Mr Kimi Raikkonen and Mr Fernando Alonso, to proceed ahead of him. At the end of the day, what that was meaning is that Mr Hamilton was gone and come in third what, in fairness, is not a bad result. My investigations is continuing, especially into the performance of the Honda vehicles which, in fairness at the end of the day, continues to be criminal. Over and out.