Sniff Petrol

Whilst Felipe Massa baffled race fans at the French Grand Prix with claims that he had injured his neck by ‘sneezing in a lift’, it now emerges that other F1 drivers may have suffered similarly rubbish and probably a bit made up accidents.

First to offer an inexplicably strange excuse for an injury, and for being rubbish, was Brit ace Jenson Button (who is still British but sadly not ace). Sources within the Button camp (where his dad parks the caravan) say that the Honda driver filed another dismal performance in France because of a hurty eye muscle caused by doing a big yawn in a fast moving taxi.

Meanwhile, paddock sources say Adrian Sutil is having an equally inadequate season because of a painful arm injury caused by doing a small vurp whilst on a bucking bronco and that Giancarlo Fisichella can attribute his unnoticeable performance this year to an injured back muscle received by pushing out a massive fart during an air display.

However, seasoned F1 pundits say that this rash of bizarre injuries is in fact nothing to the so-called ‘dark years’ of 1996 – 2006 when almost every driver in successive championships would find themselves practically deaf by the end of the season and unable to get their helmets on because the sides of their heads had become massively swollen. This was eventually traced to an instinctive desire to slam their hands over their ears every time they saw Jacques ‘Fucking’ Villeneuve so that they didn’t have to hear his sodding stupid pre-pubescent Quebecoise voice.

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If you fancy a copy, and if the idea of doing us out of a few pence in royalties slightly arouses you, why not order it from amazon.co.uk by CLICKING THESE WORDS.

That is all.

There was reassurance this week for people who like to be patronised so horribly that one of their arms falls off following news of an EU proposal to put cigarette packet-style large print warnings on car advertisements.

‘We realised that we hadn’t been wasting nearly enough of everyone’s time with condescending nonsense,’ said EU spokeringman Alain Turdisquirts. ‘That’s why we are making this proposition, in the hope that people will spend more time thinking before they buy a new car. Specifically, that they will think: Gosh, aren’t the EU a bunch of mithering fucking money wasters’.

The exact wording of the new warnings is as yet unclear but, in line with the EU’s stance on not allowing anyone to enjoy themselves, proposals are said to include ‘Danger: This car may allow you to get to places you want to go’, ‘Attention: This vehicle may accidentally cause you to have some fun’ and ‘Warning: This car may prevent you from having to trudge around in the rain trying to find a bus stop that isn’t full of used heroin’.

As an added bonus, Mr Turdisquirts was quick to reassure EU residents that similar warnings will NOT be appearing on power stations, industrial chimneys and domestic boilers. ‘Why would we want to do anything about the real sources of CO2 when we can just pick on cars again,’ he said, like the blinkered, patronising, reactionary cockbag he so clearly is.

Lotus has announced plans to celebrate making 5000 different and slightly pointless special edition versions of the Elise by building a new special edition Elise.

The Elise 5001 will come only in a distinctive shade of green that is exclusive to this model, even though it’s almost identical to another colour that was on some other Elise last year, or maybe the year before. This will be topped off by an orange stripe that is unique to the 5001, although you can order it as an option on other Elises.

Completely the exterior makeover are a set of distinctive alloy wheels with one very special feature – where the regular Elise offers only black painted wheels as an option, the 5001 boasts alloys that are sprayed very very very dark grey.

Inside, Lotus promises a number of changes, although it warns that ‘a number’ is actually quite a vague expression and can of course include ‘a number’ such as one. That’s why the 5001 will come with an exclusive badge badly stuck to the dashboard and some seats and stuff that are just out of the normal car.

If you could spec all these options on a regular Elise, which actually you can, it would cost you £35,990, whereas the 5001 will retail for just £35,985. The bad news is that, with so many special editions to make, Lotus has been forced to limit production to a total of just one 5001. However, Hethel sources say the company is already planning its next exciting new special edition model, tipped to be called the Elise Milking It.