Sniff Petrol

There was grave concern this week as a leading scientist warned that an ongoing series of experiments could result in a massive black hole that would destroy the entire planet.

The experiments in question concern a device called the Grand Tadron-Relater (GT-R) which is being fired at increasing speeds around a 5.15km loop known as the Recherche Institute Nucleaire Grandvitesse (‘RING), situated in the German countryside.

“This whole experiment is ridiculous,” says Professor Ken Freeply of Nigel Havers College, Kettering, the scientist at the centre of the empty headed doom-laden blathering. “The GT-R is being sent around the ‘RING every week and every time it does the speed at which it completes the loop is inexplicably getting higher and higher. According to my extrapolations within as little as 18 months it will be circling the entire ‘RING in around 32 seconds, at which point a fatal black hole will be created”

“Of course the black hole won’t actually be caused by the sheer speed of the GT-R,” Prof. Freeply added. “It will most likely result from the sheer weight of tedious argumentative bollocks posted about it on the internet”.

Following the 25 second penalty given to Lewis Hamilton for allegedly gaining track advantage over Kimi Raikkonen in the Belgian Grand Prix, the fat, super-rich old men who control Formula 1 have denied any sinister bias against the British McLaren driver.

“There really is no agenda here,” said one FIA steward yesterday. “It was plain to see that the darkie unfairly passed the blond haired, blue eyed chap. In doing so the genetically pure driver clearly had a place stolen from him by that other one, which should come as no surprise knowing their sort”.

“I must reiterate that this does not mean the FIA has some sort of problem with fuzzy-wuzzies,” he added. “We welcome our more rhythmic brethren in Formula 1, although obviously we’d prefer it if they didn’t come into the club lounge unless it’s to serve drinks. And even then you’d probably best keep an eye on your wallet if you know what I mean”.

“I hope this completely clears up any confusion about the incident involving the, you know, one of them, and the mighty gentleman of the master race,” our source concluded. “The ruling after Spa was nothing to do with ethnicity. It was simply good old fashioned transparent corruption and bias in favour of Ferrari as usual… oh damn…”

Following unfortunate misunderstandings in the Grands Prix at Valencia and Spa, the FIA has revised the Red Car Rule for Formula 1. These amendments will be applied with immediate effect:

1) Overtaking a Ferrari is not permitted under any circumstances.
2) In the pit lane, a Ferrari always has precedence over other cars.
3) Any driver finishing less than 25 seconds ahead of a Ferrari will be penalized 25 seconds.*
4) If neither Ferrari finishes in first place, the stewards reserve the right to declare the result null and void (or to adjust it as necessary).
5) Only Ferrari drivers are permitted to use anything other than ‘designated’ parts of a circuit.
6) If forced off the ‘designated’ part of the track by a Ferrari, the guilty driver should immediately crash his car and return to the pits
6) Any driver or team appealing against any FIA decision in favour of Ferrari may be subject to a fine and/or the deduction of points.
*Subject to post-race adjustment by the stewards.

The FIA today issued the following statement in response to allegations in the UK media.

“It has come to our attention that the private activities of the FIA and Ferrari at Spa have been filmed and distributed to the general public over the last weekend, together with false statements that the events depicted had a ‘sporting’ theme”.

“The activities depicted were a private matter between the participants, all of whom were consenting adults. Suggestions that one of the ‘victims’, a Mr L. Hamilton, was a child are completely untrue.  He is a consenting adult who just looks underage and he was financially rewarded for his subservient part in the role-playing of the dominant participants”.

“Parades of Ferrari automobiles are perfectly legal when conducted in private by consenting adults, even when they include role-play. We regard the media tactics to be most intrusive. Some even used helicopters to film the private activities of the participants. The FIA utterly refutes any suggestion by the media that what took place at Spa was meant to be a ‘sporting event’ and will pursue a case for libel against those who have made such scurrilous allegations.”

The Lotus Evora was one of the stars of the London Motor Show, as you might expect from the Norfolk company’s first all new model since the Elise, so with its show debut out of the way Sniff Petrol took the chance to have a good look inside this exciting new sports car.

The first surprise on entering the Evora is just how spacious it is, measuring a good 20 feet across and 30 feet deep with a hard wearing carpet and more than enough room for several racks of clothes. But whilst the sheer space is remarkable, we were slightly baffled by Lotus’s decision to equip the new car with a friendly lady called Susan who told us that other styles were available and asked what size our girlfriend or wife was. Sniff Petrol took the chance to ask Susan about future Evora developments but she remained tight lipped, explaining that she only helped out on Wednesdays and we would have to wait until Mrs Hemsby came back from visiting her mother in Ripon. It was then that Sniff Petrol realised we had got the wrong Evora and were inadvertently poking around a small dress shop in Harrogate.

The actual Evora is in fact rather smaller and, on first impressions, certainly looks striking in a predominantly black colour scheme with dark purple accents. One of the most intriguing technical discoveries is that it appears to run on cider and that, when filled up, it moves around excitedly to the Sisters Of Mercy. We asked if it was possible to get inside and were promptly punched in the face. It was then that Sniff Petrol realised we had got the wrong Evora and were inadvertently standing in The Devonshire Arms in Camden Town trying to check the shutline resolution on a fat miserable goth girl whose real name is Gillian.

The actual Evora is in fact remarkably compact when seen close up, especially in an exciting all white colour scheme. We were especially interested to see that Lotus’s aerodynamic experts have fitted the new model with special wings which we can exclusively reveal are coated with an innovative sticky coating. We asked if we could take it for a proper test to see if it possessed the classic Lotus handling and absorbency, at which point the security guard asked us to leave. It was then that Sniff Petrol realised we had got the wrong Evora and were inadvertently standing in an American pharmacist hoping to go for a spin in the USA’s fifth best selling brand of sanitary towel.

Sniff Petrol was thwarted in its attempts to get closer to the new Evora, but we feel confident that it will lead the class amongst fat gothic dress shops you can shove down your pants. With a really stupid name.

Gordon Brown shocked car makers this week by announcing that all cars must be electric by next Tuesday. Speaking at some dreadful symposium or other, the Prime Minister outlined his radical new plan which he had drawn on the back of a Chinese takeaway menu whilst he was rifling through The Independent’s website looking for more crap and ill considered ideas about reducing CO2 emissions.

The PM underlined his commitment to things he clearly knows fuck all about with a sensational £497 billion commitment to improve the country’s electric car infrastructure. ‘I want Britain to become the electric car capital of the world,’ Brown stated. ‘I hope that people from other nations will come to Britain and see our cities full of flimsy, slow moving fibreglass cars and think, yes, this is a modern, successful country’. When asked how the new infrastructure investment would be spent, Brown added that there would ‘probably be more plugs in the street and stuff’.

The Prime Minister finished his speech, in which he was plainly reading words off a page with no idea what they mean, up to and including the word ‘car’, by outlining an even more radical plan to supply the electricity that will power Britain’s electric car fleet. ‘Fossil fuelled power stations emit high levels of CO2,’ he said. ‘There is also a great deal of controversy surrounding nuclear power stations. That is why I am announcing that in future all British power stations will run on electricity’.

Mr Brown then left the stage before anyone could point out that his transport policy is utterly fucking clueless.