Sniff Petrol

A grumpy tit, yesterday

With the new F1 season just weeks away, sources in Italy say Ferrari is set to capitalise on the arrival of Fernando Alonso at the team with a brand new driving mode for its next generation of road cars. Sniff Petrol’s spies say the new setting will have an immediate effect on all aspects of the car, most notably making it instantly faster whilst at the same time more treacherous. And grumpy.

Ferrari insiders say that putting the car into Alonso mode will have other effects, such as increasingly hairy sunvisors and a sat-nav voice that suddenly develops an irritating lisp. However, it’s in the complex electronics of the suspension, engine and gearbox that Alonso mode really shows its stuff. Normally, these three entities work as one to the benefit of dynamics. However, in Alonso mode each area of the car ceases to be a team player and selfishly looks after itself.

Maranello engineers are said to be particularly excited about the Alonso mode’s stability control system which is understood to wait until you are in trouble and then just bugger off to another car. The same system is also said to feature a unique ability to wait until it detects that you are breaking the speed limit and then automatically call the authorities to grass you up. Ferrari insiders say that in early testing Alonso mode is already worth another five tenths of a lap around their Fiorano test track, although at the end of the lap the car then came into the pits in a massive sulk for no apparent reason.

The Alonso setting is likely to first appear on the forthcoming 599 GTO, due later this year. It is thought that the new mode will be engaged by turning Ferrari’s distinctive manettino control to the marking which depicts a duplicitous twat stabbing everyone in the back.

How the F1 logo might look in the future, yesterday

The recent flurry of departures from F1 is set to continue this week with news that the letter F is considering its position within the sport.

The popular letter has been a part of F1 ever since the first Formula 1 race took place in 1947 and reports that it is considering its future within the sport will come as a blow to those who run the popular race series, in particular Bernard Ecclestone who is neither of those things.

‘I’m sure the sport’s management will claim that F1 is bigger than the letter F,’ notes Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘But the truth is, F1 needs F more than F needs F1, or “1” as it may have to become known’.

Sources close to F say that the multi-national sixth position in the alphabet letter has grown tired of the expense and complexity of travelling the world during the Formula 1 season, with its relentless and draining whirl of appearing on signs, headed notepaper and even napkins, plus the ongoing obligation to emerge from people’s mouths throughout race weekends. One insider close to the letter F also noted that in the current economic climate F has other commitments such as leading the way on phrases like ‘fiscal meltdown’, ‘fiduciary failures’ and ‘fucking hell I’m frigging amazed Toyota didn’t fuck off four or five years ago’.

If, as seems likely, the letter F does leave F1 it’s almost certain that the sport’s governing body will seek a replacement to fill the gap at the front of its abbreviated name. Speculation as to what that replacement will be was heightened this morning with news that the letter A, currently without a position in motorsport following the collapse of the A1 GP series, was seen leaving Formula 1 headquarters.

Jean Toad wearing his special FIA impartiality shirt and headphones, yesterday

Formula 1 is set to enter a new era as incoming president Jean Toad looks to revise the rulebook whilst remaining completely impartial, oh yes siree. Here are some of the F1 rule changes Mr Toad is said to be considering:

• All cars taking part in Formula 1 must be red. Any car that is not red will be penalised 30 points for both driver and team.
• It is illegal for any team that does not already have a red car as of the start of 2009 to paint its car red.
• All teams must be based in Maranello. Teams will be free to choose NOT to be based on Maranello, but in return will be penalised 50 points.
• It is illegal for any team not based in Maranello as of the start of 2009 to move to Maranello.
• All teams must have at least three Rs in their team. Any team without three Rs in their name will be penalised 10 points per race. (NB Torro Rosso are penalised 20 points for inserting an illegal space between the Rs in their name). Also, all teams will be penalised 50 points per driver if they failed, as of the start of 1950, to have a horse as their logo.
• In any dispute between two teams all FIA adjudication MUST find in favour of which ever team presents its case using someone that Mr Toad is friends with.

This week Sébastien Bourdais claimed that Torro Rosso sacked him by text message. Here, for the first time, Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal the contents of that message.

There was good news this week for the fledgling US F1 team with the announcement that its debut season will be sponsored by YouTube, a move that will bring all the values of the popular video sharing website to America’s 2010 Formula 1 entry.

The first corollary of the new deal will be seen in the advertising carried on the car which will move and flash annoyingly, but only down one side. This will leave the main body of the machine free to carry liveries that will reflect the content of YouTube itself. American sources say during the first race, for example, the front of the car could carry some almost unwatchable footage filmed illegally at a Justin Timberlake concert. By the next race, however, this will have been mysteriously removed but it will be replaced with a pointless image of a mildly inbred American teenager endlessly performing wheelies on a small bicycle which will in turn give way to some needlessly macabre images of air disasters inexplicably set to the theme tune from Knight Rider.

The YouTube link up also promises to have a unique effect on the way the entire team’s efforts are seen on television. Whilst the rest of the 2010 F1 pack can expect to be filmed using state of the art High Definition TV cameras, the US entry will be exclusively covered on a low quality mobile phone promising unmatched levels of wobbliness and the constant sound of some unseen people noisily whooping and giggling just out of shot.

Finally, as a tribute to their title sponsors it is expected that during busy parts of the race the US F1 cars will become annoyingly slow and then crash. Although they’d probably have done that anyway.

German leader Adolf Hitler sparked controversy again this week (in 1933) by appearing to praise F1 supremo Bernard Ecclestone as a man who could “get things done”.

Speaking in an interview with The Times, Mr Hitler said, “Terrible to say this I suppose, but Bernie was, in the way that he could command a lot of people, able to get things done”.

F1 groups were quick to damn the mono-testicled lunatics remarks as “insensitive” and “just plain wrong”. One team source added, “Mr Hitler should think before he makes such ridiculous remarks. Has he stopped to consider the untold suffering that Bernard Ecclestone has caused over the years or paused to reflect on the evil horrors he perpetrated across the world? And I’m not even talking about his daughter’s pathetic attempts to be a television presenter”.

In light of the outcry caused by his remarks, Mr Hitler was quick to apologise for any offence he might have caused. “I am extremely distressed and embarrassed that these remarks have been used as suggesting I support Bernard Ecclestone,” he said in a statement. “I just meant he was quite good at insisting that all the lorries in the paddock are lined up neatly. However, I do not support such a despicable person nor do I endorse his disgusting reign of terror”.

However, Mr Hitler’s apology may have come too late for many F1 followers. “Oh God, not Nazis and motorsport again,” said one ardent motorsport fan. “Still, at least it’s not that bloody clip from Downfall with some supposedly funny subtitles about Porsches or motorbikes run across the bottom. Jesus, that’s become less amusing than finding blood in your underpants”.