Sniff Petrol

There was good news for dumb, selfish twats yesterday as reports that a regular tanker delivery was going to be ‘slightly late’ led to fuel buying panic at one local petrol station.

The mindless, stupid mithering began around 1pm at the Exachell garage near Wretching, in Disgust, when a member of staff was overheard noting that a fresh shipment of petrol ‘might be around 15 to 20 minutes later than normal’. The news immediately triggered a petrol buying panic amongst customers.

‘As soon as I heard that the main storage tank was down to only 900 litres I knew I had to act,’ said garage regular Dave Spooool. ‘Although I had already filled my car, and actually I only drive about 70 miles a week, I rushed back to the forecourt and filled the boot, glovebox and door pockets with extra fuel. Mind you, I’m so stupid I once forgot how to use my arms’.

Local cretin Angela Stave was another of those caught in the precautionary buying palaver. ‘When I drove onto the forecourt someone told me what was going on and to be honest it scared me. What if there was a medical emergency and I couldn’t get my kiddies to hospital during that vital 20 minute window when my car only had 7/8ths of a tank full? It doesn’t bear thinking about. That’s why I filled my tank with both petrol and diesel, just to be on the safe side’.

Exachell staff say even those who weren’t intending to buy petrol were drawn into the mass panic, such as area fuckwit Irene Mizzz. ‘I had spent the morning frigging myself over the memory of Princess Diana and was on my way to buy a second, uncreased copy of the Daily Express when I noticed a commotion at the petrol station. I immediately realised it was the kind of grunting, thoughtless mass hysteria I enjoy and decided to buy as much petrol as possible. Obviously I don’t actually own a car so I had to go and buy one of those first and by the time I got back the unthinking mob behaviour was over. I was so disappointed I decided to fire bomb the place so I could spend the afternoon moaning about Muslims’.

An Exachell sposkesmans was quick to reassure everyone that the tanker delay was a one off and that people should stop being so Christingly fucking thick.

After cracking down on drivers who use a mobile phone, smoke or eat, the government this week announced that it is considering an even more radical safety move – making it illegal to use a steering wheel.  

‘Our research shows that having to grapple with a large circular device whilst in a fast moving vehicle could be quite literally lethal,’ said Lesbo Bells, spkoksman for the Department of Wasting Everyone’s Time With Unbelievably Patronising Shite. ‘That’s why we’re looking at proposals to make this dangerous pursuit illegal as soon as possible’. 

DoWETWUOS sources say the proposed new ruling will be enforced with a raft of new digital cameras, mounted on top of other cameras which will be used to read people’s Switch cards so that all the money can be drained from their account the instant they are seen doing anything illegal involving a motor vehicle, such as driving it, sitting in it or looking at it with anything but that sort of dismal, lemon sucking face that people on bicycles do.  

‘Banning people from using the steering wheel whilst on the move will significantly reduce accidents and road casualties,’ Mr Bells claimed. ‘Do you have a car?’ he added. ‘Oh good, please give me another £538 for no reason whatsoever’.

The Beijing Motor Show is in China. And if Steve tells you otherwise it’s only because he’s trying to sell you three train tickets to Manchester. Here is an report from there. China, not Manchester.

The Chinese car makers were out in force at Beijing this year as China’s standing in the automotive world grows and many leading players seized the chance to show a wider audience just what they’re capable of. Over at Bong Fung Motor Factor the star attraction was the Mighty Weasel 888F Wandering Leaves, an exciting sports car concept that appeared from some angles to be on fire. BFMF claim that when this car enters production next year it will offer a 47 percent reduction in unexplained deaths. 

Listen up reading fans, the world is about to be cursed with another book by the bloke behind this website (and his mate Giles). It’s called My Dad Wished He Had One Of Those and it’s a sort of giddy romp through some of the big, fast, sexy cars your Dad probably couldn’t afford, lavishly illustrated with masses of period photos. And at least two of them have Roger Moore in. My Dad Wished He Had One Of Those is published on 29 May but you can pre-order a copy from Amazon now, just by clicking these words that are a different colour. Ideal for someone who doesn’t wholly object to the idea of giving Sniff Petrol a small amount of money but really does want to make sure it’s as tiny an amount as humanly possible.  

And speaking of giving money, a while back we featured a bloke called Richard who was doing the Scumball Rally in aid of a willing cause, all with the rather less worthy name of Sniff Petrol stuck to his car. Well guess what, he’s ruddy bloody doing it again this year, and all in the name of Barnados, a charity only a cold hearted blaggard wouldn’t want to support. Do some clicking here to make a donation. Or click here to follow the progress of Richard’s Sniff Petrol stickered Golf. Oh yea, and I’m told that there are still places available on the Scumball itself (another clicky here) and that if I mentioned this fact they might foolishly insist that all entries carry some sort of Sniff branding. Which would be amusing. Although only if you find some strange mirth in a massive fleet of shagged cars affixed with a small sticker advertising a shite and now-only-bloody-monthly-you-lazy-twot website. Whatever floats your rusty Golf GTI boat I suppose.

Formula 1 racing boss Max Mosley is in hot water this week as Sniff Petrol has exclusively obtained video footage showing the motorsport supremo engaged in SICK activities including pretending to be IN CHARGE of the FIA.

During the 15 YEAR session captured on tape by our spies, Mosley insists on being referred to as THE PRESIDENT and makes those around him follow STRICT RULES, which he then repeatedly changes.

Amongst the DEPRAVED acts caught on camera, our footage shows the F1 figurehead wantonly PUNISHING McLaren for MONEY. He later SPANKS Renault and, in scenes of unbelievable hypocricy, then KISSES THE ARSE of Ferrari.

The disgraceful footage also shows Mosley, 67, TORTURING Formula 1 fans by introducing HARD to understand development freeze rules and TWEAKS to qualifying.

In some scenes the grey haired racing ring master is even shown HANGING OUT with a DWARF, although this later turned out to be Bernard Ecclestone.

Following Audi’s link with Bose, BMW’s relationship with Harmon/Kardon and Jaguar’s new alliance with Bowers & Wilkins, Subaru this week announced its own upscale brand name hi-fi option in association with Comet’s own-brand stereo maker, Proline.

‘We are delighted to announce our new link with Proline,’ said a Subaru spokerman. ‘We looked long and hard for an audio equipment manufacturer that was a good fit with the brand values you see in the dashboards of our cars, namely horrible silver plastic and wanky LED displays. Proline were able to offer this, and so much less, all for £19.99. Which funnily enough is exactly what we spent developing the dash in the new Impreza!’

Japanese sources say the new Subaru Proline hi-fi set-up will boast all the sophisticated features buyers expect from upspec in-car audio, including a class leading twin tape cassette deck with industry standard high speed dubbing and that thing that leaves longer gaps between songs so the tape search thing can find each track. Audiophiles can also expect to see upmarket features such as a graphic equaliser with up to five little slider things, all of which do almost nothing except feel like they’re going to snap off.

‘This is really premium stuff,’ said Subaru’s speaksman. ‘Like, I mean, when you eject a cassette the tape deck door opens really slowly and smoothly rather than boinging open. Oh God, like, my sister, she’s just put a Nik Kershaw sticker on it, that is, like so unfair. God’.

However, industry spies say that Subaru cannot afford to rest on its ICE laurels as Ssangyong is only days away from announcing a new in-car multi-media system alliance with Acorn computers, makers of the BBC Model B. ‘You can play Elite on it,’ said a spoeaksmn.

So that’s it, the blog is dead and the new back-to-the-future Sniff Petrol monthly update is here. Well, not here now. It’s out on Friday. That’s right, Friday this week. Which isn’t that far away so please, please, pleeeeease stop e-mailing to ask when we’re doing something about Spanky Max. It’ll be in the new issue, which is out on Friday. That’s Friday. Unless of course it suddenly seems like a bad idea to take the piss out of a trained lawyer with a notorious thin skin. Ah, hang on…

THE ALL NEW SNIFF PETROL WILL BE OUT ON FRIDAY

In the meantime, why not join the official Sniff Petrol Facebook group.

Yes my friends, the 52nd episode of Gareth Jones on Speed - featuring some foolish babbling from Sniff Petrol - is now gently flirting with your iTunes or equivalent geeky real ale software that’s almost impossible to use but which you have to pretend is as good because you’re weird, smug and nerdy.

In this edition we talk about Tata buying Jaguar & Land Rover, discuss F1 coverage returning to the BBC and end with a sort of rave tune.

What more do you want? Hookers dressed as Nazis?

Make busy with your mouse UPON THIS HIGHLIGHTED BIT HERE to go to there from here.

Yes, it’s the best news since some bloke took his new slicing machine round to Mr Hovis’s house: As of next year Formula 1 will be back on the BBC.

Now, aside from celebrating an end to irksome ad breaks and the repetitive sponsorship bumpers therein, lots of people have e-mailed since last week’s announcement to point out that perhaps we have, at last, Stopped The Cock.

Obviously Sniff Petrol would like to take all the credit for this, even though it’s patently not true and might make us look self-aggrandising to the point of mentalness. Besides which, we’re not out of the wet voiced woods yet and there’s always a small chance some buffoon at Television Centre will accidentally phone the weak milky stats bore and invite him to jump channels. But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

If you’re listening, slightly victorious and smug BBC Sport people, here are some pointers for your F1 coverage:

1. Do NOT hire James Allen.

2. Bring back The Chain as the theme tune. This is what the people want from F1. Not flashy graphics, not seamless punditry, just turning on the telly of a Sunday afternoon to hear ‘bumm bu-bu-bumm bu-bu-bububu-bummm…’ and then that ace bit where it gets all exciting and the guitar goes ‘nangnangnangnangnangnangah!’ NB: This MUST coincide with a shot of an F1 car bottoming out and sparks coming off the bottom. It’s THE LAW.

3. Do NOT hire James Allen.

That is all.

Yes indeed, Gareth Jones on Speed has reached its 50th glorious podcast featuring, as most of them do, the irksome presence of Sniff Petrol.

 In this edition we have a swift canter around the Geneva Show, which manages to be rather more insightful than the piss poor parade of haircuts on this website.

Click your pointer firmly upon THESE LETTERS to make things come into your ears now.

STOP INTERNET PRESS: Come back to Gareth Jones on Speed in the wee small hours of Sunday morning to hear Gareth and Zog’s near-instant reaction to the Australian Grand Prix. Sniff Petrol won’t be there because he’s got some free tickets to the ballet on Saturday night and will be too drunk to get up again for the F1 at 4am or whatever it is to record any thoughts on the race. Frankly, most listeners would consider this a plus point.