Sniff Petrol

Following Audi’s link with Bose, BMW’s relationship with Harmon/Kardon and Jaguar’s new alliance with Bowers & Wilkins, Subaru this week announced its own upscale brand name hi-fi option in association with Comet’s own-brand stereo maker, Proline.

‘We are delighted to announce our new link with Proline,’ said a Subaru spokerman. ‘We looked long and hard for an audio equipment manufacturer that was a good fit with the brand values you see in the dashboards of our cars, namely horrible silver plastic and wanky LED displays. Proline were able to offer this, and so much less, all for £19.99. Which funnily enough is exactly what we spent developing the dash in the new Impreza!’

Japanese sources say the new Subaru Proline hi-fi set-up will boast all the sophisticated features buyers expect from upspec in-car audio, including a class leading twin tape cassette deck with industry standard high speed dubbing and that thing that leaves longer gaps between songs so the tape search thing can find each track. Audiophiles can also expect to see upmarket features such as a graphic equaliser with up to five little slider things, all of which do almost nothing except feel like they’re going to snap off.

‘This is really premium stuff,’ said Subaru’s speaksman. ‘Like, I mean, when you eject a cassette the tape deck door opens really slowly and smoothly rather than boinging open. Oh God, like, my sister, she’s just put a Nik Kershaw sticker on it, that is, like so unfair. God’.

However, industry spies say that Subaru cannot afford to rest on its ICE laurels as Ssangyong is only days away from announcing a new in-car multi-media system alliance with Acorn computers, makers of the BBC Model B. ‘You can play Elite on it,’ said a spoeaksmn.

So that’s it, the blog is dead and the new back-to-the-future Sniff Petrol monthly update is here. Well, not here now. It’s out on Friday. That’s right, Friday this week. Which isn’t that far away so please, please, pleeeeease stop e-mailing to ask when we’re doing something about Spanky Max. It’ll be in the new issue, which is out on Friday. That’s Friday. Unless of course it suddenly seems like a bad idea to take the piss out of a trained lawyer with a notorious thin skin. Ah, hang on…

THE ALL NEW SNIFF PETROL WILL BE OUT ON FRIDAY

In the meantime, why not join the official Sniff Petrol Facebook group.

Yes my friends, the 52nd episode of Gareth Jones on Speed - featuring some foolish babbling from Sniff Petrol - is now gently flirting with your iTunes or equivalent geeky real ale software that’s almost impossible to use but which you have to pretend is as good because you’re weird, smug and nerdy.

In this edition we talk about Tata buying Jaguar & Land Rover, discuss F1 coverage returning to the BBC and end with a sort of rave tune.

What more do you want? Hookers dressed as Nazis?

Make busy with your mouse UPON THIS HIGHLIGHTED BIT HERE to go to there from here.

Yes, it’s the best news since some bloke took his new slicing machine round to Mr Hovis’s house: As of next year Formula 1 will be back on the BBC.

Now, aside from celebrating an end to irksome ad breaks and the repetitive sponsorship bumpers therein, lots of people have e-mailed since last week’s announcement to point out that perhaps we have, at last, Stopped The Cock.

Obviously Sniff Petrol would like to take all the credit for this, even though it’s patently not true and might make us look self-aggrandising to the point of mentalness. Besides which, we’re not out of the wet voiced woods yet and there’s always a small chance some buffoon at Television Centre will accidentally phone the weak milky stats bore and invite him to jump channels. But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

If you’re listening, slightly victorious and smug BBC Sport people, here are some pointers for your F1 coverage:

1. Do NOT hire James Allen.

2. Bring back The Chain as the theme tune. This is what the people want from F1. Not flashy graphics, not seamless punditry, just turning on the telly of a Sunday afternoon to hear ‘bumm bu-bu-bumm bu-bu-bububu-bummm…’ and then that ace bit where it gets all exciting and the guitar goes ‘nangnangnangnangnangnangah!’ NB: This MUST coincide with a shot of an F1 car bottoming out and sparks coming off the bottom. It’s THE LAW.

3. Do NOT hire James Allen.

That is all.

Yes indeed, Gareth Jones on Speed has reached its 50th glorious podcast featuring, as most of them do, the irksome presence of Sniff Petrol.

 In this edition we have a swift canter around the Geneva Show, which manages to be rather more insightful than the piss poor parade of haircuts on this website.

Click your pointer firmly upon THESE LETTERS to make things come into your ears now.

STOP INTERNET PRESS: Come back to Gareth Jones on Speed in the wee small hours of Sunday morning to hear Gareth and Zog’s near-instant reaction to the Australian Grand Prix. Sniff Petrol won’t be there because he’s got some free tickets to the ballet on Saturday night and will be too drunk to get up again for the F1 at 4am or whatever it is to record any thoughts on the race. Frankly, most listeners would consider this a plus point.

The Geneva Mullet Show is the hottest event on the hairstyle calendar and one that has survived repeated attempts to fill the famous Palexpo show hall with distracting nonsense such as cars, video screens and girls with big knockers on them. Thankfully Sniff Petrol’s photographers carefully avoided such diversions and instead assembled this exclusive pictorial report on the exciting new developments in EuroHair action.

Pictures by Sniff Petrol and Jim Wood

There were celebrations across Australia yesterday following the announcement of a week-long national holiday to commemorate the introduction of the new Ford Falcon.

‘The new FG Falcon really is an event of national importance,’ said a government spokesman, speaking from wherever their capital is, although it’s almost definitely not Sydney, despite what a lot of people think. ‘In fact, this is one of the most earth shattering and significant events ever to happen in this country and we felt it was important to celebrate that fact’.

Sources in the Australian capital (definitely not Melbourne either) say the authorities had initially planned to give the country just a couple of days in which to welcome the vital new large saloon with street parties, circuses and even more barbecuing than normal. However, once the magnitude of the changes Ford has made to its Aussie flagship became clear it was decided that nothing less than an entire week would suffice so that the grateful people of God’s Own Country could give thanks for the life changing bounty that the Blue Oval has bestowed on them.

‘Once we’d stared at the photos for a few hours we noticed that actually they’d changed the styling a little bit,’ said our government source in wherever it is, possibly that place that’s near Ayres Rock although thinking about it that’s probably a bit small to be a capital city. ‘That’s when we ramped it up to a three day holiday, and we were pretty sure that was enough. But then we heard about the slightly different front suspension and the interior that definitely looks a little bit nicer and we thought, bloody hell, let’s just go for a whole week off!’

The so-called ‘Falcon Week’ kicks off on Monday with a massive mardi gras in Melbourne (not the capital) and a huge outdoor concert in Brisbane (pretty sure this isn’t the capital either) which will feature such bands as Silverchair and some more Silverchair. Then, as night falls, the skies of Sydney (note to subs: can someone double check this really isn’t the capital please?) will light up with the biggest firework display the world has ever seen, a five hour spectacular that will, according to one insider, ‘make the one we did for the Olympics look shit’.

Australians will then enjoy the rest of the week off work, taking part in fun Falcon-themed events across the nation such as Slightly More Modern Rear Suspension parties and Spot The Difference Between This And The Old Model contests.

Meanwhile, news of Falcon Week has been met with absolutely no interest whatsoever in the rest of the world. Much like the new Ford Falcon.

It was announced today that Transport for London is to challenge Porsche over its attempts to lower the Cayenne SUV by 24mm. The authority responsible for transport policy in the capital said it was ‘disproportionate’ for the German car maker to attempt such a radical ride height reduction for its new Cayenne GTS model and that it intended to seek a judicial review on the matter.

‘A massive suspension drop is quite simply ludicrous,’ said TfL spokesman Papeline Norks. ‘There is no need to have people driving around this city in a huge 4×4… that doesn’t have sufficient suspension travel to cope with the utterly terrible quality of our roads’.

TfL says if it does not receive a satisfactory response from Porsche it will go to the courts to seek an order forcing Porsche to raise its latest off road model. ‘This sudden, unfair lowering will affect families in particular,’ said Mr Norks. ‘Specifically, those buying a large 4×4 because they expect it to have a soft, comfortable ride’.

However, not everyone agrees with the opposition to Porsche’s lowering plans. ‘I think the Cayenne decrease is entirely correct,’ said Action Jackson of Dab-Of-Oppo magazine. ‘Camber change is the biggest threat currently facing the human race and something needs to be done to stop large SUVs wallowing and lurching’.

Sniff Petrol was going to ring London Mayor Ken Livingstone but he was probably too busy being a cat-voiced, money snatching cockbag.

Ruddy Nora, the Podcasts are back. Actually, they never went away, I just forgot to mention them recently.

In this edition (now with new logo! Yeees!) Sniff Petrol basically yaps on about being on holiday and seeing some interesting cars in other countries. It may very well be as tedious as it sounds. But don’t worry, normal service – i.e. not some tit banging on about his fancy bloody vacation – will be resumed soon.

In the meantime, THIS CAPITALISATION is where you will find Podcast noises.