Oh deary me yes, the bumper Christmas edition of Gareth Jones On Speed (including some stinky things from Sniff Petrol) is available to tickle the memory chips of your MP3 player now.
It’s a whopper this one, featuring a bit of chat, a massive quiz thing, the heartwarming tale of Bernard Ecclescrooge in A Christmas Car-ol and a big song to finish. What more do want, brandy sodding butter with that?
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There was huge embarrassment for the police this week as Meredydd Hughes’s conviction for speeding accidentally revealed that one of their senior officers might be a ‘normal person’.
As the Chief Constable of South Yorkshire received his 42 day driving ban for doing 90mph in a 60mph zone, many top police officers were said to be humiliated and furious that such a high ranking law enforcer might accidentally have allowed the general public to relate to him in some way.
“This matter is proceeding in an extremely difficult direction,” said one speaking policeman. “My colleagues and I are worried that Meredydd Hughes might have been experiencing puny human emotions like being able to assess road and traffic conditions and realising that you can go faster than 60mph on an A-road early on a Monday morning without killing anyone”.
“That’s not all,” our copper gob continued. “We are also extremely concerned that, whilst the Chief Constable clearly committed a crime, it is a crime that ‘the normals’ commit every day and this simply won’t do. How are we supposed to maintain a rabid, binary and unrealistic outlook on speeding when one of our own is behaving like the untermensch? The police simply cannot break the law in this way because it proves that the law is flawed. We must only break the law in ways the humans cannot relate to nor excuse at all. For example, murdering a man at a Tube station. We’re bloody good at that one”.
Oh good heavens yes. As Carly Simon once sang, the Gareth Jones On Speed podcast (including the heady vapours of Sniff Petrol) is Coming Around Again. Obviously Carly Simon didn’t actually sing about a car-based downloadable audio production recorded in the living room of that bloke off How 2 but, since we haven’t heard a lot from her recently and might presume that her career is on the wane, perhaps she bloody well should.
Anyway, this edition of the Podcast features a chat about weird police cars, a story about Sniff Petrol’s former colleague who was mistaken for a doctor, some good reasons why you shouldn’t use a pregnant lady as an excuse for speeding and a mysteriously incriminating story that Zog can’t tell.
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Yes indeed my friends, the rate of updates on this website may lead you to believe that Sniff Petrol is a right idle twat but fear not, there has been a small amount of getting-off-arse action, as evinced by the brand new episode of Gareth Jones On Speed (featuring an unshiftable stench of Sniff Petrol).
This edition features the F1 cool fuel debate, Hamilton moving to Switzerland plus an exclusive recording of an F1 script meeting and an advert for McLaren F1’s new driver experience weekend. Oh, and a tribute to that excellent Scroobius Pip record which you might not have heard but which you almost certainly should.
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Really likes Toblerone -
Keen interest in Nazi gold
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Wishes local shop had wider selection of pen knives
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Eager to borrow lawnmower off Michael Schumacher
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Surprisingly into oompah music
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Finds flag design pleasantly simple
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Desperate to use GCSE in Romansh
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Wishes wall clock had telescopic wooden bird in it
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Dreams of bumping into Phil Collins
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Considers Stevenage ‘too exciting’
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Massive fan of Heidi
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Hoping Ron will now call before he comes round
Oh yes, Gareth Jones On Speed episode 41 (featuring a strong whiff of Sniff Petrol) is now electrically poised to amuse your MP3 player or that iPhone you’re frantically trying to justify queuing up all night in the pissing cold to buy.
This one’s sort of about future technology, featuring a brief canter around future tech from Mazda and BMW, the Mitsubishi i, an anti-4×4 song by Elvin Costello and the Distractions and the discovery a really green SUV. Download it now or Gareth “That Gaz Top Off The Telly” Jones will come round your house to back-comb, crimp and spray your hair.
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Yes, the 40th episode of Gareth Jones On Speed is available for downloadabiling now. As ever I should have mentioned this earlier but last week was what an especially frantic bee might describe as ‘fucking busy’ and I forgot. Anyway, this show features instant reaction to the bizarre conclusion of the F1 championship and, for those of you who enjoy Gareth Jones and Zog talking but wish Sniff Petrol would sodding well shut up, you’ll be delighted to know I make only one brief appearance from the other end of the telephone and then go away again. Huzzah!
Listen up you lovely people, the 39th Gareth Jones On Speed Podcast (including some slightly drunken shouting from Sniff Petrol) is ready and waiting for your aural attention. Actually, it’s been up for a few days now but I sort of forgot to plug it.
Anyway, what a show it is featuring an array of slightly odd delights including:
- The excellent idea of F1 races being conducted upsidedown
- The completely bollocks idea of motorsport and football coming together
- Dead Ringers star Phil Cornwell making reference to Bobby Charlton in a dress
- And top made-up synth act Pit Stop Boys presenting a song about accidentally fancying a girl who looks like Alain Prost.
Gareth Jones On Speed 39 – it may be even more strange than it sounds
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There was bad news for smoky voiced mispronunciation target Sade this week as drivers discovered serious faults in her new range of branded sat-nav units.
Sade Nav was launched in the US just last month, promising people who liked Sade (in the ‘80s) the chance to navigate around with instructions delivered in the familiarly breathy and quite pleasant at a dinner party (in the ‘80s) voice of Sade herself. However, early users have reported several problems with the new units, problems which seem to stem from the piss poor geography of the woman behind them.
“For a long time I’d been looking for a navigation system that could issue instructions in a kind of smouldering, semi-jazz way,” said Maspy Squawburger, an early adopter of the system. “So when I heard about the new Sade Nav I was first in line. Immediately I got it I decided to celebrate like an idiot by driving from my home in California to see my parents in Detroit. Unfortunately, the Sade Nav doesn’t recognise Detroit. According to Sade, the United States goes ‘coast to coast, LA to Chicago’. In other words, in her mind there is no Eastern seaboard and my folks live under water. I think the dumb bitch must have mistaken Lake Michigan for the Atlantic Ocean”.
It wasn’t all bad news for fans of Sade Nav, however. Those who have used one of the new units describe the control operation as ‘smooth’.
