Sniff Petrol

There was hope for the British car industry this week as the government announced plans to release up to £2.3bn in loans and grants to help beleaguered manufacturers through the current recession that we’re not allowed to call a recession yet. Now for the first time anywhere, Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal how that money will be divided up amongst the main players of the UK motor industry.

Obviously a large slice of the cash is destined for Jaguar-Land Rover, in particular the money that will come from the EU as a grant for developing greener cars. In return JLR is already hard at work on what is described as ‘mild hybrid’ technology. ‘Think of it as mild like a cheddar, or a spring day, or Peter Sallis’s voice,’ said a speakerman yesterday. ‘You really will barely notice it’s there because the 5-litre V8 engine will be linked to a very mild electric motor. Of course I can’t give more mildness details at this precise moment, but basically, you know an electric toothbrush…? Can we have a billion pounds now please?’

However, Jaguar-Land Rover cannot expect to take all of the promised money for itself because other important companies within the British car industry have been quick to file their own requests for aid. Morgan, for example, has demanded what it describes as a ‘substantial cash sum’ believed to be up to seven shillings. The sports car maker, still operating from its famous factory located just next to the 1930s, has also asked for something to inspire its workforce during this difficult time, probably a framed photograph of a Hawker Hurricane.

Morgan isn’t the only small manufacturer to approach the government either. Luxury car builder Bristol is understood to have made its own typically eccentric  demands, specifically for ‘a weasel made of cheeses. Baah!’ The company is also believed to have insisted that the government prevents its factory from being attacked by space bats. ‘Arrrr, I loikes zider’ said a spokerman who, on reflection, may just have been from Bristol the place and not Bristol the car maker.

Finally, and most surprisingly, the government is understood to have received a loan request from Joan Towers of defunct Midlands car maker MG Rover. ‘That’s right,’ said a company speakingman, unnecessarily agreeing with the opening sentence of this paragraph. ‘We reckon we are fully entitled to all the cash Gordon Brown can chuck at us. I mean, everyone’s worried about UK car factories going on shutdown but isn’t he concerned that MG Rover hasn’t made a car for almost four years? Plus, there’s all this talk about selling new cars that are green, but what about all those unwanted and hilariously overpriced Rovers and MGs still sitting on a forecourt somewhere? They haven’t made any emissions since 2005. Therefore it’s only fair we get a big cheque in the post. I mean, it’s not like the government has actually spent any money on us for years. Oh, apart from that needlessly complicated enquiry that’s been grinding on forever… Damn.’

Last month’s Detroit Auto Show may have appeared to have taken place as normal but, according to some conspiracy theorists, the whole event was in fact a hoax carefully recorded on a top secret sound stage in Nevada.

‘There is no way the Detroit Show could have taken place,’ said Trisby Pone of leading conspiracy website istilllivewithmymom.com. ‘The US auto industry simply wanted to win the propaganda war by showing the world it was possible for technically bankrupt companies to show off new cars, even though in reality they had no money to do this.’

Mr Pone says careful examination of footage supposedly taken at the show reveals many inconsistent details and glaring errors which prove that the entire event was a hoax. ‘For one thing, look at the faces of the top US auto executives at the show as they talk about the future of their companies,’ he says. ‘Their smiles are totally unconvincing.’

Conspiracy fans also point to TV news items showing ordinary members of the public attending the show which, as Pone says, is ‘totally implausible. No one wants to buy a new car right now. Who do they think they’re kidding?’ However, for hoax theorists, the biggest giveaway was a shot of the exterior of the Cobo Hall where the Detroit Show supposedly takes place; ‘The shadows were all wrong,’ says Pone. ‘Plus, there was no one getting shot on the street and from some angles the building looked quite nice. Completely implausible.’

This is not the first time people have expressed doubts about a motor show. For years visitors to the British Motor Show have been heard to say they ‘couldn’t believe’ they paid money for this.

Whilst the rest of the British car industry idles its factories in the hope of reducing stock levels, news reach Sniff Petrol that Toyota has come up with an innovative plan to ensure that its plant at Burnaston in Derbyshire is kept running. Sources say the scheme will not only prevent over-stocking, it will actually reduce stocks of existing cars and is dubbed the Toyota Unproduction System or TUS.

TUS works by simply running the normal production line in reverse, starting with complete cars which are brought in backwards through the final inspection and rectification area and then progress slowly up the unproduction line being carefully dismantled. Whilst no other manufacturer operates a full disassembly line at the moment it’s thought that, if they did, Toyota would still be industry leading with the ability to unmake an Avensis saloon from finished car to big pile of parts in just 10 hours.

Naturally the TUS leads the way in other areas too, such as a highly efficient ‘Lean Unproduction’ system which means boxes of parts which have been freshly removed from cars arrive back at their suppliers ‘just in time’ to become their problem.

Finally, the real key to the Toyota Unproduction System is flexibility which is why, according to early reports, the disassembly line can cope with any model originally built at Burnaston and not just the Auris and Avensis normally made there. This means that Toyota can not only reduce stocks of new cars but also offer customers the chance to have their own car disassembled. This is particularly good news for owners of the original Carina E who may wish to discover if that annoying rattle in their minicab is caused by 400 kilos of lost change, pens and mobile phones jammed under the back seat.

Meanwhile, in France Citroen is said to have been working on its own car disassembly system, although in this case there will be no need for the cars to be returned to the factory.

The unveiling of the contenders for 2009 F1 season has led to disappointment amongst many motor racing fans with some questioning why they have to look like sort of crap F3000 cars from a few years ago. Now Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal the reason behind this – F1 is in fact going to become a sort of F3000-style lower formula, playing second fiddle to brand new top line race series being hatched in secret by the sport’s governing body.

Sniff Petrol spoke to a man with this ear to the ground outside FIA headquarters in Paris; ‘Oh God, I’ve just put my head in a dog turd,’ he said. ‘Jesus, there’s actual shit in my ear. Errr, errr, errr…’ he added mysteriously.

Meanwhile, other spies close to those at the top of motor sport say the new series is intended to make racing more popular and in line with the trends of the day. ‘We’ve realised that Formula 1 is basically a bit too complicated and nerdy, especially for today’s increasingly stupid Heat magazine reading generation,’ said one source. ‘You never see Frank Williams coming out of a nightclub in London’s West End with two mystery blondes on his arm and this just won’t do. That’s why in future F1 will be secondary to our new pinnacle of motor sport formula which will feature entries from Team Beckham, Scuderia Katona and Jordan. The fake knockered model, rather than the fake haired Irish bloke.’

Mindful of the concern that such well known tabloid favourites have no actual experience of setting up and running a high level race team the FIA has already decided the new top formula will feature no actual cars. ‘Cars are too geeky,’ said one insider from inside something. ‘Instead, this exciting new race series will visit some of the most glamourous locations in the world, such as Monte Carlo, Melbourne and Barcelona, and at each place the teams will simply have to go out for the night and compete to see who can appear in the following day’s newspapers caught stumbling out of a club at 3am. It’s not only a lot cheaper than actual racing, it’s also perfectly atuned to our lucrative target audience of grunting thickos who pore over gossip magazines but have no idea of, say, the name of the Chancellor of the Exchequer.’

FIA spies say that, whilst plans for the new race series are well advanced, there is still some controversy over its name. ‘Clearly F1 is called that because it used to be the very top,’ said one mole. ‘That means we’re a bit stuck on numbers. At the moment we’re probably just going to call it F-Bling, although there is some worry that this sounds like it was invented by a retarded child. Funnily enough, it was actually thought of by a hyperactively troublesome small person. You know him. Bernard something or other…’

Beadle my steeple, it’s lard papers out there at the moment. Garys just aren’t nibbling the biscuits like they did and that means a lot of squealers are baking a brown one. But it also means the hot faced Gary can pick up a fat sack of cats for less lumbsdens then ever before.

Had my balls in the Kula Shaker last Wogan and spotted a Starbar S-clasp, 03 on the bee, hi-ho with Muriel leather. Michaeled up to the anus with ladyboy, head grease and hot-and-not farting seats. A ginger ago this would have kissed your sister for six otters. Today, you could have the Richards in your mammory for a teste under two spoonfuls. Heavens no Jennifer, carrot cake brings me out in the most curious rash. Slightly.

Up the hammers at Glasscock this Blue, had my captains on an old yoghurt Blondie, 04 on The Doors. If it had been William with a weasel all the Noddies would be flicking but this one was a Weetabix ass gasper. Even fully frigged with Wombles, pork guitar and cheese it struggled to make five spaniels and a fat tree, eventually clocking the knocker at a plesbo under Ken Boon. And Judith, if you’re offering your scones to the Archbishop do try your best not to say anything racist. Meaty.

Been feeling a bite on ballsack myself in recent weeks, particularly when it comes to diseased Stranger I’ve had on the backpipe since Septic. Looks lovely in metal betty with Devon fetish interior, and it’s got the 3.6-lolita deviate that you want. Had it up for a rissole under five Jacksons but couldn’t get anyone even to smell my hair. Finally managed to get some Gary to drop his crisps on it, but only after a I shat in my own socks for three geese over a Welshman. I wish you’d told me Jean, under the kitchen sink at home I’ve got something precisely designed to remove stains like that. Minty.

The series of bends are a slow and sibilant S dropped like stocks and shares in a slump upon the sleek and somnambulant scene ahead of me. I am coming at them as fast as a crazed cricketer boldly bowling for his second successive century. Too fast? For a brief but brazen moment that might seem to be the case. But in truth I had nothing to fear for beneath me I have a chassis that grips like a wrestling snake in the midst of seizure, a chassis defined and yet all at once liberated by the two letters that stand proud on the rump of the body that sits four square atop it. K and A.

Yes, my steed for this all out assault on the most twisted sister of a blacktop the East Midlands can supply is Ford’s new baby but there is nothing childish about the way it sucks up that tight ribbon of road like a hungry Italian at a spaghetti festival.

You’ll notice I said Italian for a reason because this new pocket sized funster is neither literally nor metaphorically a Blue Oval. The hardware it packs under its pert and preened posing pouch of a shell comes from the land of pasta and Pisa, specifically the cute-as-a-kitten-crawling-on-Cameron-Diaz Fiat 500. Yet Ford’s suspension supremos have cut through the carbonara, tweaking and tuning so that this new bambino pedals like a pro.

The steering is as quick witted as Clive Anderson on QI, the gearshift as slick as Bryan Ferry in an oil spill, the chassis as classy as mid-era Shirley Bassey. Was I going too fast into those bends? Not in this baby, baby. Turn in, feels the forces build like a wave of lateral gravity, let it key into the road like a tarmac crazed locksmith. I lift off the throttle mid-way through the second arc, feeling the back end make like John Sergeant and step out of line. Instantly and instinctively I gave it a dab of oppo and I was away.

The Ford Ka 1.3 TDCi Zetec is a bitch. And I spanked it.

Troy Queef is Executive Associate Editor-at-large for DAB OF OPPO magazine